a moment away~

the friend who can be silent with us

in a moment of despair or confusion,

who can stay with us

 in an hour of grief or bereavement,

who can tolerate

 not knowing...not healing...not curing

that is a friend who cares.

Henri Nouwen

to each who has silently come by for a visit
or dropped and email to say hello

THANK YOU SO

april showers came hard

leaving puddles

water filled deep

so deep

that i felt
as if i couldn't wade one more step

without sinking

drowning

i needed some time to grasp life

it.changes.all.in.a.blink.of.an.eye

and this time

i was struggling to deal with the pain, saddness, anger, frustrations

i was struggling to deal with the happiness of my day to day

i was trying to

 grieve

understand

process
accept

and just get through the days

more overwhelmed

than anything

the flu passed and brought in a round of colds

we suffered loss and celebrated the lives
 of
four loved one

one wee little had started all over

 {after 1 year and 7 months
his seizures have come back}

canceled fathers BIG surprise birthday

then

may flowers came in full bloom

and our hearts began healing
our minds quietly sitting with ease

one fathers smaller...no longer surprise birthday party soon to be

family would be arriving in a matter of days
{8-30+ years have passed since we have seen some}

and then

 june arrived

a simple smaller birthday party was given
to honor and celebrate my father turning 70

take.a.deep.breath

SKY DIVING
this was per my fathers request

six of us including my father
fell from 13,ooo feet
on a gorgeous gloomy june day

one littles seizures
are being controlled by an increase in meds

my love and i's anniversary celebrated

one wee little celebrated
7

one wee older celebrated
 13

and as if that wasn't enough excitement to be had

I have been chosen
 to Officiate a wedding in August

and so alas

as july makes way

the skies are becoming ever so clear
warmth is rising
the gray is dissipating

with a welcoming nice big deep breath

i can

... sigh ...

relishing in the nothing

the calmness of what shall come

there are no plans set in stone

no busyness

no...nothing

just to simply be

discovery of wood~

The real voyage of DISCOVERY

consists in not seeking new landscapes

but in having new eyes.

Marcel Proust

my apologies for lack there of visiting

we have been on a bit of adventure

DISCOVERIES

have been made

for the past few weeks

all content from our bedroom

has been moved into our living room

the ceiling has been scraped

and my love and littles

primed and textured the walls

we went on a floor shopping voyage

and as we were leaving my love says

"you know...i didn't even think about it

but when have tongue~groove flooring all through the house

i noticed it awhile ago when i was under the house"

i was speechless

just looked at him with a puzzled look

and then took a deep breath and asked

"could we not use that for flooring"

cut to the chase

DISCOVERING BEAUTY

THAT HAS always RESIDED IN OUR HOME

we.have.wood.flooring

this is the first look

after pulling the carpet

sub flooring and tar paper up

my love asks

"what do you think"

"i love it"

my love and wee older one hard at work

we rented a sander and the fun began

is that not GORGEOUS

this little handy dandy tool

performed wonders on our floor

floor finished being sanded

next up

my love and i worked on a new closet

this excites me greatly

not so much that we have tons of clothing

but we live in a pretty cozy home

which in turn

does not leave much storage space

so this here closet

will be lined with shelves on one side

and two hanging bars on the other

a glimpse thus far

{the dry wall went up last night...too lazy to go take pic}

more to come in the days ahead

something to sit on~

i thought i'd pass this tid bit along

as you never know

who or possibly when

{hopefully not anyone...but reality will prove my desire wrong}

someone or you may be in a similar situation

as most of you know

i was hospitalized last year

with that came

an overly exceeding amount of doctor visits

which leads to an overly exceeding amount of

BILLS

thankful we have had medical insurance

through all of this

monthly we were paying a nice

400-500.00 a month

from my lovely adventures

 in feb of this year

we forked out almost 6,000.00

to pay of ALL of my remaining bills

sickened by the money gone

but beyond RELIEVED

that i would not be a slave to these bills no more

WELL...here's the interesting part

tuesday i had to have my annual

and i handed the receptionist my debit card

to pay my now 35.00 co~pay

she asked me to hold on a minute

while she picks up the phone

i look down to see

"patient balance" 120.00

{i'm thinking...what in the world is this}

she says a few words

hangs up the phone

and says

you don't have to pay your co~pay

you have a credit with us

when you are done

go speak with the billing department

so annual done

i make my way to the billing office

say i guess i have a credit

but what from

she said YOU OVERPAID

insurance has been processing claims

and i guess you were no longer responsible

i look at her and said

SO...DO I GET A REFUND

OR ARE YOU JUST GOING TO

HOLD MY MONEY???

she looks at me and says

"oh, you would like your money"

WELL YES...YES I WOULD

so refund is in the process

120.00 to be coming our way

well this got me thinking

on my way home

HOW MANY OTHER DOCTORS

DID I OVER PAY

long.story.short

i made many phone calls the last few days

NEUROLOGIST: 60.00

NEUROLOGIST: 30.00

RHEUMATOLOGIST: 60.00

CARDIOLOGIST 30.00

this is as far as i got

before deciding i would pick back up on monday

each one that i called and asked them

if they would kindly go into my account

and see if i had a credit sitting with them

acted as if i had gone of the deep end

only to come back and say

"oh, well yes you do"

and me saying

COULD YOU PLEASE

SEND THAT BACK TO ME

crazy

i was so overwhelmed last year

and could not keep up with the endless

amounts of papers that were rolling in

i did not check

i just paid what said paid

and when i went for office visits

and they asked for my co~pays

well i paid my co~pays

so lesson learned

PAY

C.L.O.S.E.

ATTENTION

to your

INSURANCE BENEFITS

once you have met your

outrageous deductible

{which mind you...i pray none of you do}

but if so

remember

once they start paying at 100%

you are usually then

not liable for ANYTHING

meaning

DO NOT PAY YOUR CO~PAY

have them verify

before you hand over your money

and the not so funny thing is

I DON'T KNOW

 IF I WOULD HAVE EVER SEEN THAT

MONEY HAD I CALLED

because a few of those doctors

i wiped my hands clean of

so a year later

they are going to pay me

NICE HUH!!!

perfection~

one of the most essential

things you need to do for yourself

is to choose a goal that is important to you.

perfection does not exist

you can always do better

and you can always grow.

Les Brown

i see and hear and feel those words above

especially when thinking of photography

what is perfection in the eyes of one

will differ in the eyes of another

there is always so much more to learn

and what makes a good exposure means something

so different for each

photography is my saving grace

my moment

my forever learning

wanting to achieve 

what my mind and eyes perceive

not so much perfection

but capturing and creating a piece of art

perserving a fleeting moment

that i wish to long remember



one wee little one~

"You can shed a tear that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

you can close your eyes and pray

that she will come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she has left.

your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

you can turn your back on tomorrow

and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow

because of yesterday.

you can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

you can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back,

or you can do what she'd want,

smile, open your eyes, love and go on."

David Harkins

last night

as we were sitting together

one wee little looks out at the window

into the dark night

turns back to me and says

"mama...when we die we go up to the sky?"

some believe so

"oh"

{insert long pause}

"mama...we can die together"

no...hopefully not

"but when you die i want to die with you"

but you will still have your life you need to live

and a family to care for

children and a love who will need you

"but i will miss you"

and i will miss you to

even though you will not see me

i will always be there with you

and you know what

i am not going to die for a really long time

me and you...we are going to grow old together

"really...how old will you be"

i will be 120 and you will be 93

"promise"

sweetie i can't make that promise

but lets just hope it will be

"goodnight mama"

their minds constantly thinking

i too remember

thinking about death when i was little

not really for any specific reason

i think because

it just remained such a mystery



a moment~

sometimes all it takes

is a piece of

dark chocolate

to put life into perspective

sometimes life has a strange way of showing

with its moments that arise

how one minute

all is exactly as you wished it to be

and in a split second

the walls are crumbling

falling down

you find yourself staring out a window

looking at a scene

 that just doesn't fit your picture painted

its uncomfortable

and awkward

heartache

and pain

its not where you want to be

where you want to wait the minutes out

scheming and plotting your next move

knowing if it is the wrong one

your life will forever change

possibly in the wrong direction

taking you so far away

from where your heart is longing to remain

feeling like a pawn in a chess game

strategizing which way to slide

finding a move that will lead you home

ah...its been a long week

{and yes i know its only a few days into it}

if you could believe that

thankful i found my moment



blessed ostara~

"and Spring arose on the garden fair,

like the Spirit of Love felt everywhere;

and each flower and herb on Earth's dark breast

rose from the dreams of its wintry rest"

percy bysshe shelley

awakening

stirring

movement

alas the silent hush has been broke

warmth arising

during the dawn of the day

 hours will linger on

with more daylight to play

hibernation no more

for the flowers and trees

 trying to burst open

colors in full bloom

sweet birds will come

to sing and nest

nature is coming alive once more

welcome and blessed Ostara to each

...and to our friends in far away lands...

may your autumnal winds

 be cool and crisp

gentle and kind

invigorating your spirit

for your season alive

colors will flourish in a vast array of color

as they quietly begin their final descent

may you embrace the slowness of your days

a blessed Equinox to thee



i wonder~

"The swan, like the soul of a poet,

By the dull world is ill understood."

heinrich hein

a little friend i know

see here

she has become quite smitten

 with her early morning walk

blessed has she become

to see such a sight

swans present

gracing the waters

in the early morning hour

filling her spirit

moving her

speaking to her in a way

they never had before

i rarely paint

but for the life of me

i could not shake

the presence of this swan from my mind

so i sat

and i played

creating a gift for thee

i wonder if she'll like it



a blessing for you~



sari silk~

a dark spring night

i walk the streets

eyes dancing

flickering

upon the golden scene

the stars above watching

luna shining down

guiding me

 as i stroll along

colors in bloom

gleeming and glistening

against the dark deep hour of night

the heavy scent of tobacco flowers

 wafting through the air

warmth filling me

surrounding me

i walk the empty streets

not afraid of being alone

i can sense the fae beneath the trees

and hear the crickets song

a dark spring night

i had a moment to sit and play

weaving as the minutes passed

a finished piece

silk sari ribbon

made into a scarf or headband for thee

and you know what

 this is now in my etsy shop



writer~

"Be yourself, Above all,

let who you are, what you are,

what you believe,

shine through every sentence you WRITE,

every piece you finish."

john jakes

writ·er/ˈrītər/

noun:

A person who has written a particular text

A person who writes books, stories, or articles as a job or regular occupation

mama...why do you WRITE on the computer

...valid question...

i WRITE for many reasons

i WRITE to release my thoughts and feelings

i WRITE to remember

i WRITE to share

i WRITE to process

i WRITE to give

i WRITE to learn

i WRITE to explore

i WRITE because i can

i WRITE because i am a WRITER

it doesn't matter what you WRITE just as long as you WRITE

 

"Worry compounds the futility

 of being trapped on a dead end street.

thinking opens new avenues."

cullen hightower

i have been working on my etsy listings

not so easy

time consuming

came across this photo

and made me start thinking of my love

and what he has taught me through the years

for him

there is no such thing as a dead end

nor worry

if the road comes to a hault

he finds a new path to wander

his mind is free from the strain

of carrying burdens

worry is not something that lingers around

move forward

do something

anything

clear your mind

there is always a way

maybe not the one you would have chose

but there is always another

he is a natural explorer

and one who treads lightly in this world we live



wing or sprinter~

WING

definition:

winter, spring...a balance of two seasons

both ready to take flight

SPRINTER

definition:

spring,winter...two seasons

trying to decide who can out run thee other

DO YOU THINK MY WORDS

COULD MAKE IT INTO WEBSTER???

i.am.so.confused

just as i have been collecting seeds

YES

my friends

IT IS SNOWING AS I TYPE

has been all night

i have been wondering what is wrong with me

and my ability to accomplish anything great or small

i realized that it has nothing at all to actually do with me

or my physical or mental weebles

but...it is has everything to do with

 everything and everyone that surrounds me

that has inhibited me from accomplishing much of nothing

nice excuse...right

sounds rational to me at the moment though

MARCH 13

12:50 am...one sister discharged from the E.R.

{all is well}

12:59am...walk out the E.R. door...snow is falling

1:20am...drop sister off at home

1:33am...arrive home

1:35am...crawl into bed

1:36am...husband moaning

to add to one wee little who has been sick

now i have one big one

1:38am...my love is on fire...

1:40am...mama...{mind you...this is my love speaking}

what happened to my medicine

and soup you were going to make...

{see i went to bellydancing last night

got in my car afterwards...called my love

 to ask what he wanted me to bring home...

only to hear the words...

your sister has been trying to get a hold of you...

told him i'd call him back...

sister kind of trumphed my love last night in the priority list}

so there was no soup or meds for him when i returned home

1:41am...{me} go to sleep

1:42am...{my love} ok...when you wake up

to a bag of bones...and i'm dead...

don't blame me...its not my fault

1:43am...{me} well it was nice knowing you...

you were a wonderful husband and father

1:44am...{my love} your horrible

1:45am {me} I KNOW...goodnight

1:46am {my love} mama...i don't feel well

1:47am...{me} its almost 2 o clock in the morning

and its snowing...

do you really want me to

 drive to the store to get you medicine

 and stuff for soup

1:47am...{my love}YES...yes please

1:48am...i get out of bad and grab the thermometer

1:50am...one love has a 101 temp

1:51am...get medicine and give to my love

1:53am...crawl back into bed

1:55am...{my love} so it looks like i am gonna have to swallow my tongue

starve to death...i guess thats ok...

1:56am...{me} i hope it tastes good as it goes down

1:57am...{my love] your mean

1:58am...{me} i know...i love you...good night

1:59am...{my love} are you really not going

 to go to the store

2:00am...{me} you know what...let me sleep till 5:00am

 then i will get up and run to the store

2:01am...{my love} i won't make it

2:02am...{me} your killing me

this went on for i don't know how long

finally i got up and made him some tea and soup

3:35am...crawled into bed

5:06am...{one wee littlest} slides into bed...

so mama...hows she doing...

what you want to do today

5:07am {me} ssshhh...lets stay silent for awhile

5:071/2am...{one wee littlest} mama

5:08am...{me} yes

5:08am...{one wee littlest} i'm not tired can we get up and i'll help you make your coffee

needless to say i am now at about

36 hours of NO SLEEP

minus the few hours

 that i did actually close my eyes

sound likes fun huh...how is your day going???