one wee older one~

one wee older one

has officially entered

into the land of blog!

quite excited for his journey ahead

http://imodifynerfs.blogspot.com/

may he travel far and wide

in this endless sea of treasures

carrying on~

“I've learned that people
will forget what you said,
 people will forget what you did,
 but people will never forget
 how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou 

 

feb. 12

 

good morning

its funny cause i am really not quite sure where these days have gone
i was speaking with my mil last night and she ask how my love was doing
i started laughing and told her

"i think he is doing alright, to be honest i don't really remember these past evenings since i came home except for last night and the night before. i see him in the morning for a quick minute before he leaves and well he seems alright...he has been coming back home...so thats a good sign and i have yet to find a dear john letter...so hopefully he is managing...today i spoke with him at lunch and he was all excited about buying mouse traps for work...so ya i think he is doing ok...

i have tried to sit here
and write a few times

 but just didn't have it in me

my days have yet to slow

i am forever grateful
for those in my life who have been my taxi
and watchers over our littles

i am honestly beyond words
each one of you
i carry in my heart
i hear your whispers of strength
and feel the love you send forth
your blessings and well wishes
comments emails cards sent forth
have helped keep me going each day
once more
i give you my heartfelt thank yous
my appreciation
my gratitude
for having such
 uniquely beautiful caring friends
in my life
i really couldn't ask for more

i am regaining a bit of my stregth

with each rising sun

one could only imagnine
 the road traveled down

i have had appointments back to back

blood draws daily
shots for the last twelve days in my tummy
trying to get my warfrin levels where they should be
as of last night...my levels are up!!! hopefully no more shots!!!

and

pills pills pills

what a way to live

just joking
yesterday morning was the first day off pain meds
and trying a different medicine to treat my pain

 i met with

"my team"

kind of funny when they told me
 i will have
 "my own team"
who will

monitor my blood levels
 and work with me

let me tell ya i really felt special then...hehehe

its been a long string of days

and tuesday was another trip back to the e.r.
due to pain in my chest and spine

good news

they did another cat scan of my lungs
some of my clots
have already left my lungs
so there is hope!!!


the other day was my neurologist appointment

she explained at the hospital 

 there are only five reasons
 one would get a blood clots

pregnancy
check...but anout five and a half years ago

post surgery

check...about two years ago

stroke

check...after surgery...diagnosed as a possible tia

blood clot disorder

check...there are some finding that put me at a higher risk

m.s.

possible due to where we live
she also checked me for having epilepsy...though completely unrelated to the ones our wee littlest has

we have been anxious

to know the
why

as to all of this happening

NOT SO GOOD NEWS

as we spoke wit the nuerologist
i was hopeful
as what she was saying
 was nothing alarming or frightful

well i guess
she believes in saving the the best for last

three of my blood tests came back positive for

lupus

because of the fragmin shot
i am still taking to get my blood levels up
it can cause false positives
even for lupus
so i am now waiting to hear from a hematologist
and he will do another work up of my blood
and check for what autoimmune disorder it is
that made my ana come back positive

relieved i finally may be on the right path
as far as my health is concerned
possibly all this unknown whys coming to an end
and being able to move forward
living and caring for myself
 in the best possible way

i am ok
i think mainly because of the pain meds
kind of numbed my emotions a bit i think

so where ever this little bump in the road will lead
i shall follow just as i was before
i will continue to live my life
and take each day as it comes

once more
i thank you

each of you
 a gift above and beyond
 i ever imagined
having such 

 loving spirits to walk this path with me

life truly is grand



ten years from this day~

“When it comes to the future,

 there are three kinds of people:

those who let it happen,

 those who make it happen,

 and those who wonder what happened.”  

John M. Richardson, Jr.

jan. 28

do you ever wonder

 where you will be ten years from this day

when i think back ten years ago

where i was

and where i am now

it is nothing like what i thought it would be

not in a bad way

just so far different than imagined

and maybe i never really thought much about it then

life was more like suriving

than making things come to be

living each day

and doing the very best that i could

but now

ten years later

it is

 stepping out

learning

accepting

acknowledging

moving forward

cultivating

manifesting my wishes

creating my dreams

our dreams

i do think often of ten years from this day

for my husband and i

we are young

still in the early years of our life

our children have been born

 and are feverishly growing and thriving

but one day

one day

they will leave our nest

and where does that leave us

 if we do not think now

if we wait

let the days continue to move forward

 and we remain the same

i have feared that

and i chose not to follow such

everyday

 i wake

i think

i ponder

i write

i discover

a new stepping stone

that will guide us along the way

i shared with our oldest the other day

that in only a mere eight years away

he will be twenty

"eight years" you say

is still so much time

but i have

seen

felt

experienced

 how quickly it does pass

he will stand before us

at the ripe young age we were

when we found out

 he was being slowly brought to life

kind of scary right

eight years

i though

 i pray

not so much

that he could be a father himself

in such a short time

i kind of shudder at the thought

yet also think of the life

of my husband and i

we grew up quite fast

missed out on some wild years

yet how young we will still be

when ours are ready to leave

a whole life

still waiting for us

waiting for what we will be

in our days ahead

so in the midst of this ramble

my thoughts are of these

i look forward to the coming years

sitting

and

 knowing

 i have become

only what i wished myself to be

not one of looking back

feeling as if i missed the adventure

but of fullness

richly blessed with each day i took

to create the world in which i am living

what about you

~do you ever wonder

 in ten years

 where you will be~

tears from paper~

“If you wish to experience peace,

 provide peace for another.”

Tenzin Gyatso, The 14th Dalai Lama

jan. 26

signed

sealed

 delivered



despite my every effort

i could not find my grandfathers

original birth certificate

nor could the health department

but the documents i did find

and was able to present

brought forth one almost the same

What is a Delayed Certificate of Birth?

A delayed birth certificate is

any birth certificate not filed

 within one year of the date of birth

irreguardless

birth certificate or delayed

this will allow him to get his passport

and revisit his past

many questions still remain unanswered

and i am beginning to wonder if

that is what my nana wished for

why ever else would it be so difficult

to find any pieces of the past

linking her my great grandfather and grandfather

anywhere in this world

a mystery for now it will remain

and so my beautiful friends

this day

i breath a breath of life

knowing

not that i can

but

that 

I

AM

GIVING

A GIFT

TO THEE

to each of you~

“I expect to pass through this world but once;

 any good thing therefore that I can do,

or any kindness that I can show

 to any fellow creature,

 let me do it now;

let me not defer or neglect it,

 for I shall not pass this way again.”

Stephan Grellet

dec. 20

there is a certain sense of comfort

knowing one can come here

at their happiest or weakest

and find someone who cares enough

to listen and to lift your spirit up

overwhelming words

 wishes

prayers & blessings

your words

filled my spirit



to each and everyone of you

who took the time

to share such beautiful words

 for my grandfather and our family

THANK YOU

i am happy to say

my grandfather is doing well

his blood work has come back normal

we are still waiting for all his results

from the tests done on his heart to come back

hopefully today

but i have faith

especially knowing how many are on our side

that all will come back normal

the hardest part about all of this is

he leaves each winter

and travels where the sun shines bright

so there are none of us there to help

we become completely helpless

and that is a not so good feeling when you know a loved one has suffered from a health issue

so all we can do is continue to hope and pray

that he will be ok

i am blessed beyond words

to know so many beautiful spirits

~THANK YOU A THOUSAND TIMES OVER~

i ask once more~

dec. 17

i ask once more

a favor from you

your words thoughts blessings or prayers

which ever you chose

my grandfather just had a stroke

he goes in for tests on his heart this morning

two years ago he suffered a series of mini strokes

 the last one leaving him in the hospital

for a week or so

his speach was greatly affected

as well as his overall demeanor

but he each day has pushed on through

and lives the very best he can

he refuses to skip a beat

and even at the end of the day

when he is completely worn out

he still has good words to share

he is my only grandparent left

the only grandpa i have ever known

my heart is bleeding

saddened once more

so as i sit here

typing through my tears

i simply ask once more

from you

would you mind

please

 saying a few good words this day

CHOICES we make~

nov. 10

CHOICES

“If you limit your

 choices

only to what seems possible or reasonable,

 you disconnect yourself from what you truly want,

and all that is left is compromise.”

Robert Fritz

none of this may make any sense

as i am writing i already know it will be vague

i know i will be leaving wonder to your mind

for that i am sorry

 

in the summer

sarah
over at
cottage garden studio
offered up her

let fly ecourse

i was over the moon to be apart of this special class

when it started i was ready to dive head first
 and didn't care where my feet were going to land

this brinked at a time when we were approaching
the first anniversary of my f~i~l passed

as the weeks continued and our digging deep began

i found myself walking around in a daze

becoming overwhelmed by emotions

feelings i had pushed deeply within

dark places i wished to forget and not bring back

 

that pain

my pain

my feelings

my emotions

 

stem from

CHOICES

i have made

 

no other inflicted these wounds

“While we are free to choose our actions,
we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.”
Stephen R. Covey  

i have never blammed another

 

i have always accepted what is and what i chose
living up to the responsiblity of such

i am not perfect
nor will i ever claim to be

i am human

 

time passed

life continued

 

CHOICES

slowly fading

 

CHOICES

you long to forget

 

yet

 funny how when you are least expecting

those

 CHOICES

 can creep up to surface

 

those

CHOICES

can linger

 

those

CHOICES

can haunt you

 

no other can feel

or sense why it is bleeding

when it was covered for so long

 

i pierced the flesh

i broke the tender heart

i inflicted my pain

that burries itself in me

 

no other

 

soon the weeks were passing
 i  found once again

it easier to walk away

find things to pasify my mind

so i would not think or ponder

what has resurfaced

 

the pot has been stirred

and things were brewing

 

CHOICES

 

i was unable to finish the class

 

she offered it once more

 

i was ready so i thought to deal with those

CHOICES

 

but i couldn't

 

knowing i would have to face up to people

ones who had suffered far greater than i

endured things no one ever should

 

i couldn't write it

 

for years i've tried to deal with the

CHOICES

i made

 

it took me so long to face a piece of paper and pen

to write

and realize those words written could only stare back at me

nothing more

 

i thought i had healed

when i wrote all down

when the flood of words came rippling upon the pages

 

no

 

life moved on

but those

CHOICES

stayed

 

i had not let go nor moved forward

 

i harbored those

CHOICES

 

unknowingly protected them

 

i yet again did not complete the class

 

then came

art heart healing

 

first week was to write down
all the negative
and then cover it
 so no one could see

 

I WROTE

I COVERED IT

NO ONE WOULD SEE
MY WORDS

 

i released some of my

CHOICES

 

set them free

 

healing slowly has begun...bleeding trying to ease itself 

then

 

today
{as your reading it will be yesterday} 

 

a
CHOICE

 

i had to make

 

one i could never stomach

the moment was a whirlwind
in which i never fully comprehended

 

four years i have wondered

four years i have carried guilt
shame
so many words
 i could use to decribe such

CHOICES

“To live is to choose.
But to choose well,
you must know who you are and what you stand for,
where you want to go and why you want to get there.”
Kofi Annan

i picked up the phone yesterday
made a phone call to a stranger
asked them if they could help
bring clarity
 light to what happened

i knew it had been some years that had past
not sure if anyone would be able to help

as i spoke
i cried
i cried tears i never really did
yet kept apologizing to this stranger
 for having this wave of emotion come over me

i was no longer strong in the moment
and i did not need to be anymore

it was alright

to cry
to talk

a few hours later
the phone rang
when i answered
i was taken back by the voice on the other end

this person was empathetic to my questions i needed answered
thorough
leaving no stone unturned

as the conversation was coming to an end

the voice
 the words coming
 numbed me

"unfortuanately the answer you are looking for
  is an answer no one will ever know
what would have happened
what could have been
really is left unknown
i just hope you are happy with the
 CHOICE
 you made"


i wasn't prepared to be side lined
thrown a curve ball

those words stung
like a bee stinging repeatedly

i sat frozen
 quietly
no more tears were coming

so true it was

the answer i was looking for
have been seeking for some time
didn't  really exist

it is about the
CHOICE
i made at that moment

the
CHOICE
i made for the sake of my life
my family
in the moment
i could not tell you
nor could i agreee
if the
CHOICE
i was having to make
was the right choice
or not

but i have to start believing
put the unknown to rest
find confindence in knowing

i made a
CHOICE

i decided
it happened
it is gone

it will never be

i have to let go
and wonder know more

i can not relieve a moment
for all the days of my life

the
CHOICE

my
CHOICE

can haunt me no more
 
i am thankful for both of these women
offering up classes
to help heal wounds that are open
 
do i feel like i failed
 for not being able to complete the let fly course
NO
learning in in the journey
though i did not give of myself
i alone had been trying
she opened the door
and helped guide me along the path i needed to walk
 
i have come to a place now
a place where i thought the road would never go
 
 
 
 
 
 

Happy Award for me and you~

Summertime Dreams
is ever so sweet

she

 has passed this little award on to me

so a Thank you is in order

i will confess...i am cheating
see last year i was given this award
i am reposting it
as my ten things have not changed
and i really enjoyed creating it
but those who it has been passed along to are new!!

so with out further ado....

here are my 10 things that bring forth happiness

~Marriage~

"I marry you,

morning by morning,
day by day

night  by night..."

John Giardi

this quote is on my mirror in our room...

a simple reminder of a vow i took

on those days that seem to be so tough

happy is my love

the one by my side,
the one who wakes with me as the sun begins to rise

and lays with me quietly as the moons says hush

the one who will catch me if i fall

and walk along with me as we drift off into the unknown

he who can pick me up and guide me somehow

the one who will listen in silence 

as i hear his unspoken words

happy is my love

and oh how i love thee....
Faerwillow

~Wee Little Ones~

smile and the world smiles back at you...anon

Such a gently way of bringing joy to ones soul

a gracious blessing to have little ones brought to life

to be apart of ones growing world

to nuture to love to teach to play

and in return they give us the such invaluable gifts

reminders of what its like to live

without reservations...free for all

to brings us to our knees

humbling

to help keep us grounded

the circle of life

the circle of love

Faerwillow

when was the last time you tried to look at the world through the eyes of a child?

~This is my Haven~

Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it.

The river was cut by the world's great flood
and runs over rocks from the basement of time.

On some of those rocks are timeless raindrops.

Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs.

I am haunted by waters.

from a river runs through it

i find no better place where my spirit runs free

than being surround by the rivers we've grown to love

~Gardening~

you will never be with or as

until you touched the earth, felt the ground deep within

wrapped your hands around the warmth

that stems from the ground

until you have taken heed to all that lies beneath

at which then our learning begins

and life begins to grow!
Faerwillow

nothing quite like seeding and sprouting

tending and caring for

and

simply watching beauty grow

~For The L♥ve of My Family & Friends~

though there are days you would like to love them or leave them

they are apart of what makes our world go round!

~Photography~

the mere essence of
capturing moments you wish could last lifetime...

what more can i say

~Sunrises & Sunsets~

to new beginings and peaceful ending...

to know there is another day
that has yet to come

~Writing...Poetry & Words of Wisdom~

ralph waldo emerson

I have a weakness for words

~Faeries~

it just wouldn't respresent me

 if it was left unsaid

how very much i adore the enchanted faerie world

oh there is so so many more...that brings happiness to my world...

but the words spoken were ten

so this is were i'll end

 as this has been passed along to me

so now i will share this award with more

these woman who inspire,

who create a drive for me to do more,

who speak thoughts that resonate within me,

who share their inner knowledge,

who have provided comforting words
or simply put a smile on my face

so i ask of them to come forth and share their worlds with us

oh how i would for thee

to tell 10 things to me!

Lisa
Theresa
Cameron
Debra
Violetta
Kiki
Chrissy
Avie
Kristin
Lauren

the men in my life~

i've been at a stand still this morning
deciding which way i want to go with this


i have so many memories
so many thoughts
so many words to share


the Men in my life
are still here
and for that i am blessed


the men in my life
have and always will be

a constant




from my Grandfather
who has shared such devotion to us
taking every opportunity to teach the world to us


from my Father
who breaths for us
the breath of life that has kept us going
with his compassion never failing


from my Uncles
one who was the guidance i need in my younger years
to the other who stepped up and married my husband and i

from my Father in Law passed

his words will always linger

the only thing that matters

is to be a good person

if you've done just that

then nothing else really matters

from my Husband

who forever shows unconditional love

to my Boys

who are absorbing life and lessons

from All above

to Each

my heart could pour a thousand or more words

my tears could spill a thousand drops

from all they have given me

these

 Men

have always stood before us

with their arms wide open

so to each i simply say

Thank You

 

~may you celebrate honor and remember the men in your lives~