a moment away~

the friend who can be silent with us

in a moment of despair or confusion,

who can stay with us

 in an hour of grief or bereavement,

who can tolerate

 not knowing...not healing...not curing

that is a friend who cares.

Henri Nouwen

to each who has silently come by for a visit
or dropped and email to say hello

THANK YOU SO

april showers came hard

leaving puddles

water filled deep

so deep

that i felt
as if i couldn't wade one more step

without sinking

drowning

i needed some time to grasp life

it.changes.all.in.a.blink.of.an.eye

and this time

i was struggling to deal with the pain, saddness, anger, frustrations

i was struggling to deal with the happiness of my day to day

i was trying to

 grieve

understand

process
accept

and just get through the days

more overwhelmed

than anything

the flu passed and brought in a round of colds

we suffered loss and celebrated the lives
 of
four loved one

one wee little had started all over

 {after 1 year and 7 months
his seizures have come back}

canceled fathers BIG surprise birthday

then

may flowers came in full bloom

and our hearts began healing
our minds quietly sitting with ease

one fathers smaller...no longer surprise birthday party soon to be

family would be arriving in a matter of days
{8-30+ years have passed since we have seen some}

and then

 june arrived

a simple smaller birthday party was given
to honor and celebrate my father turning 70

take.a.deep.breath

SKY DIVING
this was per my fathers request

six of us including my father
fell from 13,ooo feet
on a gorgeous gloomy june day

one littles seizures
are being controlled by an increase in meds

my love and i's anniversary celebrated

one wee little celebrated
7

one wee older celebrated
 13

and as if that wasn't enough excitement to be had

I have been chosen
 to Officiate a wedding in August

and so alas

as july makes way

the skies are becoming ever so clear
warmth is rising
the gray is dissipating

with a welcoming nice big deep breath

i can

... sigh ...

relishing in the nothing

the calmness of what shall come

there are no plans set in stone

no busyness

no...nothing

just to simply be

one wee little one~

"You can shed a tear that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

you can close your eyes and pray

that she will come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she has left.

your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

you can turn your back on tomorrow

and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow

because of yesterday.

you can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

you can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back,

or you can do what she'd want,

smile, open your eyes, love and go on."

David Harkins

last night

as we were sitting together

one wee little looks out at the window

into the dark night

turns back to me and says

"mama...when we die we go up to the sky?"

some believe so

"oh"

{insert long pause}

"mama...we can die together"

no...hopefully not

"but when you die i want to die with you"

but you will still have your life you need to live

and a family to care for

children and a love who will need you

"but i will miss you"

and i will miss you to

even though you will not see me

i will always be there with you

and you know what

i am not going to die for a really long time

me and you...we are going to grow old together

"really...how old will you be"

i will be 120 and you will be 93

"promise"

sweetie i can't make that promise

but lets just hope it will be

"goodnight mama"

their minds constantly thinking

i too remember

thinking about death when i was little

not really for any specific reason

i think because

it just remained such a mystery



a moment~

sometimes all it takes

is a piece of

dark chocolate

to put life into perspective

sometimes life has a strange way of showing

with its moments that arise

how one minute

all is exactly as you wished it to be

and in a split second

the walls are crumbling

falling down

you find yourself staring out a window

looking at a scene

 that just doesn't fit your picture painted

its uncomfortable

and awkward

heartache

and pain

its not where you want to be

where you want to wait the minutes out

scheming and plotting your next move

knowing if it is the wrong one

your life will forever change

possibly in the wrong direction

taking you so far away

from where your heart is longing to remain

feeling like a pawn in a chess game

strategizing which way to slide

finding a move that will lead you home

ah...its been a long week

{and yes i know its only a few days into it}

if you could believe that

thankful i found my moment



wing or sprinter~

WING

definition:

winter, spring...a balance of two seasons

both ready to take flight

SPRINTER

definition:

spring,winter...two seasons

trying to decide who can out run thee other

DO YOU THINK MY WORDS

COULD MAKE IT INTO WEBSTER???

i.am.so.confused

just as i have been collecting seeds

YES

my friends

IT IS SNOWING AS I TYPE

has been all night

i have been wondering what is wrong with me

and my ability to accomplish anything great or small

i realized that it has nothing at all to actually do with me

or my physical or mental weebles

but...it is has everything to do with

 everything and everyone that surrounds me

that has inhibited me from accomplishing much of nothing

nice excuse...right

sounds rational to me at the moment though

MARCH 13

12:50 am...one sister discharged from the E.R.

{all is well}

12:59am...walk out the E.R. door...snow is falling

1:20am...drop sister off at home

1:33am...arrive home

1:35am...crawl into bed

1:36am...husband moaning

to add to one wee little who has been sick

now i have one big one

1:38am...my love is on fire...

1:40am...mama...{mind you...this is my love speaking}

what happened to my medicine

and soup you were going to make...

{see i went to bellydancing last night

got in my car afterwards...called my love

 to ask what he wanted me to bring home...

only to hear the words...

your sister has been trying to get a hold of you...

told him i'd call him back...

sister kind of trumphed my love last night in the priority list}

so there was no soup or meds for him when i returned home

1:41am...{me} go to sleep

1:42am...{my love} ok...when you wake up

to a bag of bones...and i'm dead...

don't blame me...its not my fault

1:43am...{me} well it was nice knowing you...

you were a wonderful husband and father

1:44am...{my love} your horrible

1:45am {me} I KNOW...goodnight

1:46am {my love} mama...i don't feel well

1:47am...{me} its almost 2 o clock in the morning

and its snowing...

do you really want me to

 drive to the store to get you medicine

 and stuff for soup

1:47am...{my love}YES...yes please

1:48am...i get out of bad and grab the thermometer

1:50am...one love has a 101 temp

1:51am...get medicine and give to my love

1:53am...crawl back into bed

1:55am...{my love} so it looks like i am gonna have to swallow my tongue

starve to death...i guess thats ok...

1:56am...{me} i hope it tastes good as it goes down

1:57am...{my love] your mean

1:58am...{me} i know...i love you...good night

1:59am...{my love} are you really not going

 to go to the store

2:00am...{me} you know what...let me sleep till 5:00am

 then i will get up and run to the store

2:01am...{my love} i won't make it

2:02am...{me} your killing me

this went on for i don't know how long

finally i got up and made him some tea and soup

3:35am...crawled into bed

5:06am...{one wee littlest} slides into bed...

so mama...hows she doing...

what you want to do today

5:07am {me} ssshhh...lets stay silent for awhile

5:071/2am...{one wee littlest} mama

5:08am...{me} yes

5:08am...{one wee littlest} i'm not tired can we get up and i'll help you make your coffee

needless to say i am now at about

36 hours of NO SLEEP

minus the few hours

 that i did actually close my eyes

sound likes fun huh...how is your day going???

monday morning~

"For there is no friend

like a SISTER,

in calm or stormy weather,

to cheer one on the tedious way,

to fetch one if one goes astray,

to lift one if one totters down,

to strength whilst one stands."

christina g rossetti



thirty...four

could.not.be.better

my 

SISTER

surprised me with a visit yesterday

in the early morning hours

tulips...card...breve chai...and a doughnuts

all for me

her 

BIRTHDAY WISHES

such a sweet surprise

as for how the rest of my day was

you will just have to wait and see!!!

p.s.

thank you all

for your

birthday wishes and blessings

broken~

"Don't tell me the moon is shining,

show me

 the glint of light on broken glass"

anton chekhov

anyone else having a difficult time

this month

trying to process thoughts

i came across this site the other day

"With this moon we get a taste

 of what’s to come.

 Whether it be severe delusion

or the ultimate in

poetic, sublime, soul mate romance,

 it will be very hard

to keep ones feet on the ground."

i feel like maybe i am suffering from severe delusion

hehehe

ok...not really but

those around me...i am kind of questioning

which in turn makes me question myself

... she speaks of ...

 problems with boundaries,

but we will all be feeling

a bit more at one with the universe.

 with need to be a hermit 

This gives us permission to be

a little blue, wistful and self reflective

i found myself nodding my head

funny how you stumble upon

something when you truly need it

a gift

a thought

BROKEN...but not



monday mornings~

sitting in bed

tired

thick foggy blanket covering my thoughts

hazy eyes

trying to see clearly

sense of change

or something changing right before me

rain falling

dark and gray

coldness inside

trying to be warm

wanting sunlit rays

intune yet so out of sync

hearing too much

listening to hard

filtering

nuetral

trying not to understand the thoughts of another

pondering the words...

eternal happiness can be reached

only by subtracting the illusions

that exist in the human mind

and by living as one in the real world

hoping this will sink to a certain

wishing one could apply such to their life

accepting though whom am i to say

children ramped

nothing completed

monday is passing

how is your day...

an ending~

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning,

but anyone can start today

and make a new ending"

maria robinson

CHAPTER 33

in about an hour and a half

we will be heading out the door

making our way to a place

that will be closing this chapter of our life

a decision

that i am tired of hearing people say

"oh good...what a relief"

a decision that unfortunately

i did not have full control over making

a decision that has come to be

because of my health for one

i was taken off birth control last year

i was told if i get pregnant

i would be back on blood thinners

a risk that is not worth taking

prior to last years episode

my love and i

had always said

maybe

maybe one day
we will have another

we'll see

we were not ready to make a final decision

but alas

now the time has come

i wish i could write

and be like many

who rejoice in not having to worry any more

about the possibility of

but i am not

the thought of knowing this is it

i will never carry another child

makes my heart break a bit

i wish i could have been able

to come to this decision with my love

because it is what we wanted

not what is best for all

does that make sense

i don't want sympathy

i guess more or less

just a

i understand your emotions

not

a

i am so happy for you

to me that is just

a thoughtless mumble of words

people are speaking

so as this chapter of our life comes to an end

I AM

thankful for the two wee littles we do have
we are beyond blessed being able to
 bring two into our world without any troubles

i am trying to be excited for our future
for the new chapter that is waiting for us
as a family and for my love and i

i will try to embrace this moment
and emerge from the saddness i feel
open my heart to be willing and ready to embark
on this next page of our life
our story to be told
written with only happiness at hand

 

meet webster~

a glimpse~

i think around age seven

i started putting pen to paper

writing my thoughts down

i was in love with keeping secrets tucked away

as i grew older

there came a time

when that writing stopped

there was a kind of pain

that even i was afraid to see

afraid to discover what would fill that blank space

i did not want to see the words from my heart

though it would have brought much clarity in my time of need

i got past that fear

and one day began writing again

i freed myself from being held captive

imprisoned by my choices

that had kept me a deep dark hole

it wasn't until years had gone by

i was going to an acupuncturist

she asked if i journaled

i told her yes

she asked me

what do i do with them

i told her

i have kept each and every one

she told me

i have not let go of much of pain

and that i needed to release myself

from such words that have been saved

i told her NO

she asked me why

and i shared with her

that one day

my littles will find them

and they will be able to read

they will come to know me

in a way

that never could be

if i got rid of them

though there is bad

there is also good

there is progression

that has lead me to where i am today

i want them to understand me for who i was

growing up through the years

i want them to one day realize

i really did know and feel

certain emotions

that i could empathize from experience

to see that life is and was never perfect

as hard as we try

there will always be bumps along the way

we will get sidetracked

fall off the beaten path

but you can always find your way

it is my story

and one that will remain

webster and i

well we have just recently 

become acquainted

 with one another

but i do have to say

i think this friendship will be everlasting

you see

he doesn't mind

my random thoughts

good or bad

deep or silly

he accepts me just as i am

no complaining

or

telling me

 to do so or to be so

webster is my kind of friend



acknowledging the good~

sunday morning...

and as for yesterday's 5 letter word

you ready

FUDGE

now tell me...tell me

 does that make any good sense at all

or am i the one whos a wee bit off the wall