CHOICES we make~

nov. 10

CHOICES

“If you limit your

 choices

only to what seems possible or reasonable,

 you disconnect yourself from what you truly want,

and all that is left is compromise.”

Robert Fritz

none of this may make any sense

as i am writing i already know it will be vague

i know i will be leaving wonder to your mind

for that i am sorry

 

in the summer

sarah
over at
cottage garden studio
offered up her

let fly ecourse

i was over the moon to be apart of this special class

when it started i was ready to dive head first
 and didn't care where my feet were going to land

this brinked at a time when we were approaching
the first anniversary of my f~i~l passed

as the weeks continued and our digging deep began

i found myself walking around in a daze

becoming overwhelmed by emotions

feelings i had pushed deeply within

dark places i wished to forget and not bring back

 

that pain

my pain

my feelings

my emotions

 

stem from

CHOICES

i have made

 

no other inflicted these wounds

“While we are free to choose our actions,
we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.”
Stephen R. Covey  

i have never blammed another

 

i have always accepted what is and what i chose
living up to the responsiblity of such

i am not perfect
nor will i ever claim to be

i am human

 

time passed

life continued

 

CHOICES

slowly fading

 

CHOICES

you long to forget

 

yet

 funny how when you are least expecting

those

 CHOICES

 can creep up to surface

 

those

CHOICES

can linger

 

those

CHOICES

can haunt you

 

no other can feel

or sense why it is bleeding

when it was covered for so long

 

i pierced the flesh

i broke the tender heart

i inflicted my pain

that burries itself in me

 

no other

 

soon the weeks were passing
 i  found once again

it easier to walk away

find things to pasify my mind

so i would not think or ponder

what has resurfaced

 

the pot has been stirred

and things were brewing

 

CHOICES

 

i was unable to finish the class

 

she offered it once more

 

i was ready so i thought to deal with those

CHOICES

 

but i couldn't

 

knowing i would have to face up to people

ones who had suffered far greater than i

endured things no one ever should

 

i couldn't write it

 

for years i've tried to deal with the

CHOICES

i made

 

it took me so long to face a piece of paper and pen

to write

and realize those words written could only stare back at me

nothing more

 

i thought i had healed

when i wrote all down

when the flood of words came rippling upon the pages

 

no

 

life moved on

but those

CHOICES

stayed

 

i had not let go nor moved forward

 

i harbored those

CHOICES

 

unknowingly protected them

 

i yet again did not complete the class

 

then came

art heart healing

 

first week was to write down
all the negative
and then cover it
 so no one could see

 

I WROTE

I COVERED IT

NO ONE WOULD SEE
MY WORDS

 

i released some of my

CHOICES

 

set them free

 

healing slowly has begun...bleeding trying to ease itself 

then

 

today
{as your reading it will be yesterday} 

 

a
CHOICE

 

i had to make

 

one i could never stomach

the moment was a whirlwind
in which i never fully comprehended

 

four years i have wondered

four years i have carried guilt
shame
so many words
 i could use to decribe such

CHOICES

“To live is to choose.
But to choose well,
you must know who you are and what you stand for,
where you want to go and why you want to get there.”
Kofi Annan

i picked up the phone yesterday
made a phone call to a stranger
asked them if they could help
bring clarity
 light to what happened

i knew it had been some years that had past
not sure if anyone would be able to help

as i spoke
i cried
i cried tears i never really did
yet kept apologizing to this stranger
 for having this wave of emotion come over me

i was no longer strong in the moment
and i did not need to be anymore

it was alright

to cry
to talk

a few hours later
the phone rang
when i answered
i was taken back by the voice on the other end

this person was empathetic to my questions i needed answered
thorough
leaving no stone unturned

as the conversation was coming to an end

the voice
 the words coming
 numbed me

"unfortuanately the answer you are looking for
  is an answer no one will ever know
what would have happened
what could have been
really is left unknown
i just hope you are happy with the
 CHOICE
 you made"


i wasn't prepared to be side lined
thrown a curve ball

those words stung
like a bee stinging repeatedly

i sat frozen
 quietly
no more tears were coming

so true it was

the answer i was looking for
have been seeking for some time
didn't  really exist

it is about the
CHOICE
i made at that moment

the
CHOICE
i made for the sake of my life
my family
in the moment
i could not tell you
nor could i agreee
if the
CHOICE
i was having to make
was the right choice
or not

but i have to start believing
put the unknown to rest
find confindence in knowing

i made a
CHOICE

i decided
it happened
it is gone

it will never be

i have to let go
and wonder know more

i can not relieve a moment
for all the days of my life

the
CHOICE

my
CHOICE

can haunt me no more
 
i am thankful for both of these women
offering up classes
to help heal wounds that are open
 
do i feel like i failed
 for not being able to complete the let fly course
NO
learning in in the journey
though i did not give of myself
i alone had been trying
she opened the door
and helped guide me along the path i needed to walk
 
i have come to a place now
a place where i thought the road would never go
 
 
 
 
 
 

a surprise...gift...memory~

“We do not remember days,

 we remember moments.

 The richness of life

lies in memories we have forgotten.”

Cesare Pavese

yesterday my husband called

and said he had a surprise for me

when he returned home

he handed me my surprise

 this was not just any surprise

not just any gift

this was moments i shared passionately with one

times spent even up till the last few days of his life



creating memories

capturing moments that will remain

though he is now gone

our pictures in our mind are lasting

“A strange thing is memory, and hope;

one looks backward, and the other forward;

 one is of today, the other of tomorrow.

 Memory is history recorded in our brain,

memory is a painter,

 it paints pictures of the past and of the day.”

Anna Mary Robertson Moses



i am filled with emotions of happiness

emotions of saddness all the same 

i am honored to hold a piece of him

a piece that he valued greatly

 

 

something so small

something to many that could be looked at as insignificant

 

but to me

 

his hands held this

his eye looked through the lense

his passion drove him

to capture his life

his family

through the lense of this camera

 

 

his legacy will live on

 

 

 

a walk to remember~

saturday morning my littles and i

met up with some in our family

and a huge group of others for

Walk to D'Feet ALS

Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) is a motor neuron disease

eight years ago

i  lost my grandmother

ALS

silently came and took her away

  {the cause of ALS is not completely understood}

we lost someone so dear to us all

she was our voice that kept us together

united

as a family

when she left

our family struggled for awhile

 i will never forget telling a family member

"how grandma was the one that kept us together

and sometimes i wonder if her having ALS

was a way to help us all see

we can remain a strong family

we each need to simply find our voice

and learn to communicate a little more clearly"

throught that first year i kept wondering what i could do



how i could help

and then i stumbled upon

an ALS chapter

in our area



thats when my walking began

i walk to help support

i walk to raise money

i walk to

REMEMBER

a loved one who is no longer here to speak

and share each moment with us

i walk

knowing one day

one day

there will be a cure

{there is not a cure or treatment today that halts or reverses ALS}

one day

maybe not today

maybe not tomorrow

One Day

NO OTHER will have to SUFFER

and till that day

these steps i shall take

to honor

raise awareness

support

and

REMEMBER

i know i shared this once before

but i felt this was ever so fitting

see these bubbles

well at the start of our walk

people blew bubbles

and as we were nearing the end of our walk

these bubbles greeted us

they had remained

floated up and through the sky

Beginnings are scary.

Endings are usually sad,

 but it's what's in the middle that counts.

 So, when you find yourself at the beginning,

just give hope a chance to float up.

And it will.

Birdee Pruitt

 Hope Floats

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Samhain Sabbat Swap~

A Witch's Words To Her Familiar On Samhain

Still your mind,

and still your soul,

heed the words that make you grow,

listen to the winds of the sages,

learn the wisdom of the mages,

handed down to us from the ages.

Time is ours,

but only fleeting,

hear the wings of eternity beating,

soon enough we'll all be meeting,

and each of us merrily greeting.

The moon will be full,

and round,

and bright.

And we'll be wisked away,

in the dead of night.

To the place we are meant to be,

to learn and grow,

and maybe see,

a spectre of what we should be.

Time is ours,

frozen, but brief,

allowing us to release our grief,

to open our hearts and minds once more,

and step through the sacred door,

of time and space, and futures past,

to teach us the spells to cast.

So we may once again be free,

to live and love and blessed be.

So still your mind,

and still your soul,

and open your heart,

and set yourself free,

on this Samhain, I challenge thee.

Learn the truth from mages old,

the truth which was foretold.

The time is right, the night is new,

we can learn what not to do.

Warnings from the great beyond,

we'll heed them or all cry,

for lies can no longer be told,

when you look me in the eye.

I've learned a lesson, bold and true,

and now there are but a few,

who understand the depth of change,

and how we all must rearrange,

our thinking and goals,

for times anew,

if the world is to survive,

for me and you.

We've got our work cut out for us,

my friend.

And we must not fail,

before the end,

or all will be lost,

and fate will be no more,

and finally the great beyond,

will close the door.

Time and space will exist no more,

my friend,

my familiar,

we must work to prevent war.

Peace must prevail for ten thousand years,

and we must make sure it does.

Our souls eternal bond will hold,

as our bodies grow old.

Fear not the great beyond,

my friend,

for it is a beginning,

not an end.

Our work will continue for eternity,

until everlasting peace shall set us free.

 R. A. Melos

~Samhain Sabbat Swap~

Samhain, All Hallows Eve, Halloween

 another day we all celebrate one way or another

a year ending

bidding farewell

a year beginning

welcoming the days to come

a chance to reflect

a chance to make changes

a chance to see

if

what you wish for once more

will it come to be

a chance to remeber

all those who have past on before

 what better way to celebrate

exchanging our gratitude

we have for  

one another

sharing and uniting

simple.mindful.gifts

representing the holiday upon us

be it

spooky or bewitching.

spells or meditations written by hand.

ghosts and gouls

goblins or gourds

pumpkins and or all things nice

candles.incense

gifts of nature...collecting pieces outdoors...

pine cones...leaves...acorns

foods.bake goods.jellies.jams.herbs.dried fruits

teas.coffees.spices of the season

you get my picture

arts and crafts relating or representing

Samhain, All Hallows Eve, Halloween

just make sure its atleast

 3 gifts to give

or

simply more if you wish

ITS A HOLIDAY

be creative in your own way or google ideas representing such day!

what ever speaks to you

what ever moves you

whatever

you feel you wish to share

and

bless your partner with

i leave it in your hands...your mindful spirit

i will leave this open until

October 3, 2010

this leaves plenty of time to gather your thoughts.ideas.gifts for another

if you are interested in

the

Samhain Sabbat Swap

send me an email

tofallorstumbleupon@live.com

with your name and mailing address

i will pair everyone up on the 3rd

email you your partner

from their

you mail your item of goodies

now for the twist

i thought everyone

could hold their packages received

until  

Samhain, All Hallows Eve, Halloween 

whatever it is you celebrate that day

and

together

on that day

we can open our gifts from far away

camping beneath the stars~

friday we headed back to the mountains

the heat of summer

finally made its appearance as of late

our rivers and lakes are slowly drying up

crossing the bridge

knowing we are almost there

we went farther back this time

and found our oldie but goodie spot

that night

we sat beneath the big open sky

and saw not one

not two

but over twenty or so shooting stars

the morning sun rose

bringing forth another beautiful glow

that lit the water ever just so

one wee little one

all ready to go

he and i stealing a moment in time

a beautiful butterfly came our way
our littlest actually was able to touch so lightly

in the heat of the day

what more could you want

nothing like cool juicy watermelon

one wee littlest

caught his very first fish

aaahhh yes...grandpa was shining down upon him

watching

learning

his fathers ways

one wee one tried so very hard

hour upon hour

snorkling and fishing

yet none were caught

as the day began winding down

this gorgeous one

needed to cross

stopped for awhile

cooling off from the day

can you guess what was for dinner that night

till we meet again~

In the quiet of this day
may you know the greatness of your spirit
may your hopes fly on the wings of possibilities
the possibilities of today
the possibilities of tomorrow
the possibilities of those to come
unknown


PLEASE PUSH PLAY
LISTEN AS YOU READ

 


One of these mornings
Won't be very long
You will look for me
And I'll be gone
moby

“You and I will meet again,
When we're least expecting it,
One day in some far off place,
I will recognize your face,
I won't say goodbye my friend,
For you and I will meet again”
Tom Petty

life an unexplained experience
filled with so much of the unknown

one day everything around you is as it should

then in a moment

it can crumble to pieces

shards thrown

scattered

leaving you with so many questions

whys
yet never for us to truly know the reason
only to accept
what is

today 1 year ago

i woke up at 6:11am

turned on the coffee pot

snuck downstairs to where my fatherinlaw was sleeping

paused

and headed back up

i poured my cup

walked out onto the deck

to make very sure i wake no other

picked up the phone

and called my mother

we spoke only for a few brief minutes

i told her i loved her and would call her later and let them know

i picked up my cup

walked back inside

and headed down the stairs

all was quiet

i slowly walked over to his bed where he lay

was it just in those moments

or hours before

this i will never know

he was gone

his body lay before me

my hand went to his heart

tears began to fall

tears of saddness
tears of happiness

tears falling
knowing he will no longer be in pain

his spirit
his soul
finally set free
from the horror that was

now able to swim freely through his days

the darkest hours lifted

and only light shining upon him

we all able to release
the fear
our sorrows
just knowing such

so on this day
we honor and remember
a l♥ved one passed

who guides us each day
graces us with his presence
in secret little ways

free

In Time of Sorrow...

May you see light on the path ahead
When the road you walk is dark.
May you always hear,
Even in your hour of sorrow,
The gentle singing of the lark.
When times are hard may hardness
Never turn your heart to stone,
May you always remember
when the shadows fall—
You do not walk alone.
irish blessing

a reflection
of all he instilled in us

to you
our l♥ve

there will come a day when we will walk along side you
may you rise each day and shine your rays upon each one
may you be the wings that carry us
and the wind that gives us our push to take another step
may you be our star that shines in the night
to help lead our way and ease the quietness of dark
faerwillow

till we meet again

~gone but never forgotten are you~

as you've read this...i am sorry that i am not around as of late...we are away in the mountains