CHOICES we make~

nov. 10

CHOICES

“If you limit your

 choices

only to what seems possible or reasonable,

 you disconnect yourself from what you truly want,

and all that is left is compromise.”

Robert Fritz

none of this may make any sense

as i am writing i already know it will be vague

i know i will be leaving wonder to your mind

for that i am sorry

 

in the summer

sarah
over at
cottage garden studio
offered up her

let fly ecourse

i was over the moon to be apart of this special class

when it started i was ready to dive head first
 and didn't care where my feet were going to land

this brinked at a time when we were approaching
the first anniversary of my f~i~l passed

as the weeks continued and our digging deep began

i found myself walking around in a daze

becoming overwhelmed by emotions

feelings i had pushed deeply within

dark places i wished to forget and not bring back

 

that pain

my pain

my feelings

my emotions

 

stem from

CHOICES

i have made

 

no other inflicted these wounds

“While we are free to choose our actions,
we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.”
Stephen R. Covey  

i have never blammed another

 

i have always accepted what is and what i chose
living up to the responsiblity of such

i am not perfect
nor will i ever claim to be

i am human

 

time passed

life continued

 

CHOICES

slowly fading

 

CHOICES

you long to forget

 

yet

 funny how when you are least expecting

those

 CHOICES

 can creep up to surface

 

those

CHOICES

can linger

 

those

CHOICES

can haunt you

 

no other can feel

or sense why it is bleeding

when it was covered for so long

 

i pierced the flesh

i broke the tender heart

i inflicted my pain

that burries itself in me

 

no other

 

soon the weeks were passing
 i  found once again

it easier to walk away

find things to pasify my mind

so i would not think or ponder

what has resurfaced

 

the pot has been stirred

and things were brewing

 

CHOICES

 

i was unable to finish the class

 

she offered it once more

 

i was ready so i thought to deal with those

CHOICES

 

but i couldn't

 

knowing i would have to face up to people

ones who had suffered far greater than i

endured things no one ever should

 

i couldn't write it

 

for years i've tried to deal with the

CHOICES

i made

 

it took me so long to face a piece of paper and pen

to write

and realize those words written could only stare back at me

nothing more

 

i thought i had healed

when i wrote all down

when the flood of words came rippling upon the pages

 

no

 

life moved on

but those

CHOICES

stayed

 

i had not let go nor moved forward

 

i harbored those

CHOICES

 

unknowingly protected them

 

i yet again did not complete the class

 

then came

art heart healing

 

first week was to write down
all the negative
and then cover it
 so no one could see

 

I WROTE

I COVERED IT

NO ONE WOULD SEE
MY WORDS

 

i released some of my

CHOICES

 

set them free

 

healing slowly has begun...bleeding trying to ease itself 

then

 

today
{as your reading it will be yesterday} 

 

a
CHOICE

 

i had to make

 

one i could never stomach

the moment was a whirlwind
in which i never fully comprehended

 

four years i have wondered

four years i have carried guilt
shame
so many words
 i could use to decribe such

CHOICES

“To live is to choose.
But to choose well,
you must know who you are and what you stand for,
where you want to go and why you want to get there.”
Kofi Annan

i picked up the phone yesterday
made a phone call to a stranger
asked them if they could help
bring clarity
 light to what happened

i knew it had been some years that had past
not sure if anyone would be able to help

as i spoke
i cried
i cried tears i never really did
yet kept apologizing to this stranger
 for having this wave of emotion come over me

i was no longer strong in the moment
and i did not need to be anymore

it was alright

to cry
to talk

a few hours later
the phone rang
when i answered
i was taken back by the voice on the other end

this person was empathetic to my questions i needed answered
thorough
leaving no stone unturned

as the conversation was coming to an end

the voice
 the words coming
 numbed me

"unfortuanately the answer you are looking for
  is an answer no one will ever know
what would have happened
what could have been
really is left unknown
i just hope you are happy with the
 CHOICE
 you made"


i wasn't prepared to be side lined
thrown a curve ball

those words stung
like a bee stinging repeatedly

i sat frozen
 quietly
no more tears were coming

so true it was

the answer i was looking for
have been seeking for some time
didn't  really exist

it is about the
CHOICE
i made at that moment

the
CHOICE
i made for the sake of my life
my family
in the moment
i could not tell you
nor could i agreee
if the
CHOICE
i was having to make
was the right choice
or not

but i have to start believing
put the unknown to rest
find confindence in knowing

i made a
CHOICE

i decided
it happened
it is gone

it will never be

i have to let go
and wonder know more

i can not relieve a moment
for all the days of my life

the
CHOICE

my
CHOICE

can haunt me no more
 
i am thankful for both of these women
offering up classes
to help heal wounds that are open
 
do i feel like i failed
 for not being able to complete the let fly course
NO
learning in in the journey
though i did not give of myself
i alone had been trying
she opened the door
and helped guide me along the path i needed to walk
 
i have come to a place now
a place where i thought the road would never go