rejected~

“The past is behind, learn from it.

The future is ahead, prepare for it.

The present is here, live it.”

Eyemadreamer Thomas S. Monson

i want to say thank you all

 for your well wishes and blessing

 for my procedure yesterday

there must have been

 an over abundance of care

being sent out into the universe

because yesterday took a strange twist of fate

after fasting from midnight on

clear liquids till seven am

then nothing

time

was ticking away

V...E...R...Y...

 slowly

no coffee to jump start my day

lack there of caffine

lead to a headache creaping its way in

finally my parents show

my dad and i hop in the car

make our way to the hospital

check~in

escorted to the upper floor

fill out more paperwork

and

W...A...I...T

my name is called

nurse comes over to escort us

"are you nervous hunny"

"oh no, i can hardly wait

 for this to be done

and wake from it feeling much better"

"good for you"

she pushes the button on the wall

the doors open wide

to the day surgery unit

"bed 6"

"perfect!"

just as those words slip from my tongue

i look up at the two doctors

standing at their half circle desk

watching my walk

"......   are you......?"

"yes, that's me"

"we need to talk

come with me"

i look up at my dad

and my stomach

 which has been eating itself the last hour

goes still

the pain in my head begin throbbing

i KNOW this is not going to be GOOD

he takes the lead and guides us over to bed 6

"i am not doing this

procedure on you today"

ok clear head, focus

did i just hear what i thought i heard?

he proceeded to explain

that he does not feel comfortable

doing this procedure on me

as it is far to risky

and the risks do not out weigh the outcome

that if he does this

I WOULD BE IN THE HOSPITAL

i am the perfect age,

i am a woman?

 i am the perfect person

 that personifies who and what goes wrong

and he does not want to partake in such

still looking at him

my eye filling with tears

i take a

D...E...E...P

breath

and begin with saying

WHY

why all of this

why have me fast

why have me find care

 for my children and myself

why would you have me

 wait weeks to have this done

and wait till minutes before to tell me NO

could you not have called and just cancelled

i was ready to start screaming

my head wanted to explode

i wanted to choke each and everyone of those people

 standing around that little half circle desk

but i didn't

i just breathed

breathed deeply

i listened to his words

he apologized

he said

that usually

 he does not read the charts

until that day of surgery

and he happened to come across mine

and read further into my chart

he said

 i have only one of the symptoms

(stomach and back pain after eating)

 that points to sphinter of oddi dysfunction

and though my liver enzymes

are elevated they are not

 two times the normal amount

he said

 he has watched many of these

 procedures take place

and many things go wrong

he said

usually there is a pressure test

done prior to this diagnosis

  

he said

 he has seen many doctors

perform the ercp and never do the incision

 yet tell their patients that they did

 to see if it is in their head

or if there really is legitimate pain

(at this i about died...

 are you kidding...

this pain is real

and so help me g♥d

 if i was one of those people

 who was told they did something

 and they never did...

to pay for a procedure

 that never was completed...

i would flip)

he further apologized and said

 he has never turned away a patient

yet he feels very strongly

 that my doctor jumped the gun

and i should not be standing here

he said

he wants me to go to a bigger hospital

where there is a doctor who specializes in

sphinter of oddi dysfunction

and they will do a study to see if this is my case

 tears are pouring out of my eyes

at this point

 i am tired

i had been up since 2:30 in the morning with my littlest

104. temp

no food

i am in pain

and all i can do is cry

my dad

 broke in and said

thank you

thank you for being honest

we appreciate your concern

but now what

how long is she going to have to wait

 for this test

can you call over and

 atleast put in a little urgency

for the appointment

he said

yes, i will call your g.i. doctor

and explain to him

what has happened

and have them get the paperwork started

so long story

I am HOME

i am not laying in a hospital bed 

I am Thankful for what has happened

yet frustrated too

they have the paperwork started

and i should hear something by next friday 

from the office for the study

the good part of all of this

 is i must have been meant to stay home

 and be the mama that i am 

cause last night at 

8:30 pm

we took our littlest up to urgent care

for fever that refuses to go away

and eyes that started oozing yuckyness 

sore throat and ears hurting

so this little one

 is all taken care of

wide awake with me as i type

goopy eyed but happy that mama is home

~i guess now i just wait and see what will come to be~

oh

and

that

picture

above

it was just moments

ago

so

today

atleast

i get

to

go

out

and

soak

up

the

beauty

of

the

day

~what about you~