the wind will forever blow~

you are more than welcome to skip over this
that is written in italics

a very long post ahead...just a fair warning!!!

many have asked and seeked more indepth about what happened

and many of you have sent forth an abundance of love and light

kindly replying at the end that i need not reply
for that i thank you greatly

so i thought if one doesn't mind
 i would share a bit more here

yes my strength day by day is returning

but tired i still get

and pain i still have

that saturday i made my way to the e.r.

sitting in the passanger seat

looking at my love

and in the mirror seeing thee eyes of my littles

tears falling from my eyes

feeling as if this would be the last time i would see their beautiful faces

trying to grasp every breath i could take

deep i kept saying to myself

one more one more

my sister met us half way and i said to my littles

no worries

i will be home soon

i love you much and always

ok

as we drove away

i looked back once more

seeing the eyes of my oldest looking in wonder

my love dropped me off at the front door of the er

 i walked in

within mere minutes

i was taken quickly back to a room

and nurses where flying around me

sticking and poking me with all sorts of fun stuff

the doctor arrived

and i begged him for help

told him my chest felt as if it was being crushed

holding my throat and saying i was having a very hard time breathing

it felt as if my airway was being cut off

and my chest and back hurt with a constant  pain

and my left side is numb and tingling

he looked at my love and asked if i was stressed

my love gave a chuckle and said sure she is stressed just like all of us

i begged the doctor to help me and asked if it could  be a possible food allergy attack

anything...and asked him if he could give me benydryl or something...
i don't know what is happening

but i can hardly breath

he looked at my love and i
and said well we could do a lung x ray

but its probably not going to show anything

my love said just do something

a nurse arrived with some medicine
 and minutes later i was taken back for the x ray

only moments later from returning back to my little space in the er

the doctor walked through the curtain

looking at me with the most puzzled look

he said your lungs are filled with blood clots
i began to cry

you are being admitted to icu now

the words fatal death died had come out of the mouth of him

 and the nurses who were caring for me

 and escorting me to my room
 i would be staying in for an unknown amount of time

i was trying to stay calm

trying to ask questions

 each person that came in to see me

looked at me in the same crazy way

so to sum up a very long story

the nuero believes two years ago after my gallbladder surgery

i had a blood clot and possibly a stroke

over the last two years
they have continuedto fill my lungs with their presence

and saturday i had another stroke

the unknown is why
now with my blood tests coming back with positives

is this a blood clot disorder
 or something that has just gone undiagnosed for this long

building and building and finally coming to a breaking point

i am still waiting to here from the hematologist for an appointment

my doctor will be repeating a blood draw in one month as well

so for any reassurance i am alive
 and as well as well can be

the warfrin keeps me from having any new clots forming

so a bit of peace of mind right

once more
each of you
a gift in my life
and my familys

i have been overflowing with only goodness pouring out from you all


 

feb 17

saturday we went for a walk

big deal some might be thinking

but when you have been held up

not allowed much physical activity

it is a big deal

when your whole being craves this

yet can not attain it

frustrating

for me to finally be outdoors

breathing deeply

filling my lungs with fresh crisp air

was absolutely wonderful



each step was a wee bit slower

more cautious

aware

yet i was walking

being present in the very moment

tuning in to all that surrounded me

reminding me

how truly thankful one should be

for our gift of life and living

for being able to step out

 look a little deeper

explore the unknown

discover wondrous bits waiting to be seen

thankful
for life overflowing around me
 abounding

when i walked through the trees

i heard their whispers

felt their strength

i knew i was far from alone

and healed i would be

i realized my journey here was a far cry from over

many miles i still have yet to travel

this walk was my answer

my hope returning

my faith restored

that i can continue on

no mattter what lie ahead

pieces that await
 blocking the path

one can move such

and continue to carry on

the wind will forever blow

the leaves will dance gaily
swirling and tumbling
 gently down

though fallen

tis not their end

they are picked back up

as a gently breeze comes back through

and their dance begins again

faerwillow