~serendipity~

a six letter word~

2012-01-27T06:09:00.000-08:00

our morning starts

with time together

in a circle

we are quiet

we are calm

we are peaceful

three candles are lit

to signify each present

our singing bowl is heard

eyes are closed

all are still

a verse said in unity

moving stretching yoga begins

affirmations and a lesson hearned

cards are created using one word

to carry through their day

a book of virtues comes into play

a closing verse leaves our mouths

and the candles are blown out

this happens before any lessons start for the day

Please

by...Alicia Aspinwall

Webster's defines our manners

as our

"morals shown in conduct."

good people stick to good manners,"

as this story from

a turn-of-the-century reader reminds us.

There was once a little word

named "Please,"

that lived in a small boy's mouth.

Pleases live in everybody's mouth,

though people often forget they are there.

Now, all Pleases, to be kept strong and happy,
should be taken out of the mouth very often,
so they can get air.

They are like little fish in a bowl, you know,

that come popping up to the top of the water to breathe.

The Please I am going to tell you about
lived in the mouth of a boy named Dick;
but only once in a long while
did it have a chance to get out.
For Dick, I am sorry to say, was a rude little boy;

he hardly ever remembered to say "Please."

"Give me some bread! I want some water!
Give me that book!"
that is the way he would ask for things.

His father and mother felt very bad about this.

And, as for the poor Please itself,
it would sit up on

the roof of the boy's mouth day after day,

hoping for a chance to get out.

It was growing weaker and weaker every day.

This boy Dick had a brother, John.

Now, John was older than Dick

he was almost ten;
and he was just as polite as Dick was rude.

So his Please had plenty of fresh air,
and was strong and happy.

One day at breakfast, Dick's Please felt
that he must have some fresh air,
even if he had to run away.

So out he ran out of Dick's mouth

and took a long breath.
Then he crept across the table

and jumped into John's mouth!

The Please-who-lived-there was very angry.

"Get out!" he cried. "You don't belong here!
This is my mouth!"

"I know it," replied Dick's Please.
"I live over there in that brother mouth.
But alas! I am not happy there.
I am never used.

I never get a breath of fresh air!
I thought you might be willing
to let me stay here for a day or so
until I felt stronger."

"Why, certainly," said the other Please, kindly.
"I understand. Stay, of course;
and when my master uses me,
we will both go out together.
He is kind, and I am sure
he would not mind saying 'Please' twice.
Stay, as long as you like."

That noon, at dinner,

John wanted some butter;
and this is what he said:

"Father, will you pass me the butter, please,please?"

"Certainly," said the father. "But why be so very polite?"

John did not answer.
He was turning to his mother, and said,

"Mother, will you give me a muffin, please,please?"

His mother laughed.

"You shall have the muffin, dear;

but why do you say 'please' twice?"

"I don't know," answered John.

"The words seem just to jump out, somehow.

Katie, please,please, some water!

"This time, John was almost frightened.

"Well, well," said his father,
"there is no harm done.

One can't be too 'pleasing' in this world."

All this time
little Dick had been calling,
"Give me an egg! I want some milk.
Give me a spoon!"
in the rude way he had.
But now he stopped
and listened to his brother.

He thought it would be fun
to try to talk like John;

so he began,

"Mother, will you give me a muffin, m-m-m-?"

He was trying to say "please";
but how could he?

He never guessed
that his own little Please

was sitting in John's mouth.

So he tried again, and asked for the butter.

"Mother, will you pass me the butter, m-m-m-?"

That was all he could say.

So it went on all day,
and everyone wondered
what was the matter with those two boys.
When night came, they were both so tired,
and Dick was so cross,
that their mother sent them to bed very early.

But the next morning,
no sooner had they sat down to breakfast
than Dick's Please ran home again.
He had had so much fresh air the day before
that now he was feeling quite strong and happy.
And the very next moment,
he had another airing; for Dick said,

"Father, will you cut my orange, please?"
Why! the word slipped out as easily as could be!
It sounded just as well as when John said it
John was saying only one "please" this morning.
And from that time on,
little Dick was just as polite as his brother.

http://www.enotalone.com/parenting/5505.html

after reading this story to my littles

one wee littlest one says

"i'm gonna talk like brother"

and funny thing is

this went on all throughout the day

PLEASE...was getting plenty of fresh air

and I even received a few words below

"uh...mama...you forgot to say PLEASE"

if i had only known this story would be the key

a gentle reminder

~to remember & use such word~

i would have read it long ago

cozziest of cozy~

2012-01-25T09:48:00.000-08:00

Do not follow the ideas of others,

but learn to listen to the voice within yourself.

Your body and mind will become clear

and you will realize the unity of all things.

Dogen

dark chocolatey warmth

crocheted and weaved

into the cozziest of cozy unity scarfs

i made this one with chunky yarn

and extra long in length

so it wraps around three times

the picture shows wrapped twice

an ice affair~

2012-01-22T07:13:00.000-08:00

People grow old

only by deserting their ideals

Macarthur had written.

Years may wrinkle the skin,

but to give up interest

wrinkles the soul.

you are as young as your faith,

as old as your doubt:

as young as your self confidence,

as old as your fear:

as young as your hope

as old as your despair.

In the central place of every heart

there is a recording chamber.

So long as it receives messages of

beauty, hope, cheer and courage

so long are you young.

When your heart is covered
with the snows of pessimism

and the icy of cynicism,

then

and then only,

are you grown old.

and then,

indeed as the ballad says,

you just fade away.

Douglas MacArthur

i simply could not resist

my mind & spirit
yearned for more

that day i could have stared for hours

mesmerized

i had been transported
to a world so far away from which i knew

a place i had always dreamed to see

this scene
i fantasized about
not once or twice
but countless times over

i fell in love that day

yes
my love
he did understand

he knew
and said with a chuckle

it will not be long

broken
your heart will be

for ever lasting is not for thee

well to his own dismay
i shall say he is wrong

i shall not agree

interminably
in my mind ice will reside

it's imprint has been made

this love will remain proctected
kept in a place
where no one can touch

a place where thoughts can not be taken
stolen from you

for no one can erase the mind of me

i shall refuse to ever say goodbye thee

for i know quite well the place it will always be

i've seen fire...i've seen rain~

2012-01-21T06:40:00.000-08:00

but

I.C.E

we had been wishin for snow
&
snow we got

in the days that followed
was something for each to truly behold

something

HAVE

NEVER EXPERIENCED

something

HAVE

NEVER EVER SEEN

an ice storm came through for a visit
encapturing the world around us

with such beauty

alas came the power

on and off

as of now
it is windy and raining

and slowly the exquisite beauty
is melting away

and yes
and if you hadn't guessed by now
all are warm and well
for our power came back on

slippers this day~

2012-01-19T05:24:00.000-08:00

up until last winter

i owned three pairs of socks

barefoot and fancy free

these three pairs of socks

i have had for 18 years

i kid you not

I DID NOT WEAR THEM

WANT THEM

quiet frankly

I DID NOT LIKE THEM

the only time these socks would see any light of day

or come out to play

is when we would

head for the snow and or mountains

other than that

that stayed

nicely tucked away

well all of those feeling changed quite quickly

in the winter days that followed

i kept getting colder and colder

and felt it right down to my bones

in the months after my little hospital adventure last year

"one" of the things i learned

is that i have been blessed with

RAYNAUD'S

to sum it up quite quickly

THE.COLDER.IT.GETS

THE.COLDER.I.GET

so this past year i have been knitting and crocheting

for the sake of my fingers and toes

I WEAR SOCKS AND SLIPPERS

yes indeedy

had i ever thought it could be

NO NOT AT ALL POSSIBLE

but i do have to say

like wearing socks and slippers this day

sometimes i wonder~

2012-01-18T06:58:00.000-08:00

WHERE.DID.I.GO.WRONG

tis the middle of winter

and one wee little one

hops out of the car

and

STARTS WALKING WITHOUT HIS SHOES

mind you...laughing the whole way

under the trees~

2012-01-17T06:48:00.000-08:00

take a long slow deep breath in

can you taste the cool crisp clean air

on the tip of your tongue

can you feel the snow

gently falling upon your skin

can you hear nothing

it is silent

serene

soothing

savor this moment

a sanctuary for thee

relish in your thoughts of now

for no words need be spoken

you are embraced by warmth

and love from me

girls first dip into the snow~

2012-01-16T06:48:00.000-08:00

at 11 months old

our girls got their first taste of

SNOW

we have said from the beginning

our wee little girls are a bit of sallys

they are not fans of the rain

and snow

mmm...not so much

did you ever know

...a.chicken.can.whine...

one wee little one thought

maybe if i feed it to them

they'll see it doesn't hurt

our dear sweet lani

to two steps in the cold

looked up at me

turned around

and tucked herself in back in her home

as the day went on

the more they were willing to carry on

two had a thought

maybe the higher up we go

the better off we may be

three more caught on

and said

hey wait for me

and this here little one

pondered the thought

should i stay or should i go

before too long

there was a party on ones trampoline

dreaming of white~

2012-01-15T06:18:00.000-08:00

“There is nothing in the world

more beautiful than the forest clothed

to its very hollows in snow.

It is the still ecstasy of nature,

wherein every spray,

every blade of grass,

every spire of reed,

every intricacy of twig,

is clad with radiance.”

William Sharp

even though it lasted all but a few minutes

leaving only a trace of white

it was

ENOUGH

to make my heart soar

for today i will be dreaming of white

through the eyes ears and mouths of my littles~

2012-01-14T07:13:00.000-08:00

“The teacher is the one

who gets the most out of the lessons,

and the true teacher is the learner.”

Elbert Hubbard

this morning

i uploaded pics one wee older one took

on our way home from the city

without me ever teaching or trying

this one is slowly building a relationship

with a camera

and it makes me oh so happy

to see him wanting to capture the world

i have to say

its pretty neat

to look at the world through his eyes

{you will see "imodify" on the pics as i felt it was only right to give him the credit for such shots

what took 40 minutes to arrive at our destination

ended in a two and a half hour drive

to get back home

ive always loved the city

i do at times miss living near the city

but the traffic

that...i.could.do.without

so as we drove

or shall i say creeped along

i became a wee bit thankful for this time we had

i began to share stories

of how

when i was younger

we would skip school

just to go into the city

of how we would wander aimlessly for hours

and slowly make our way back home

huh...mama...thas not good

says one wee littlest fromt the back

i know...i know

but why mama...why did you do that???

is it because you did not like school

oh this wee little voice said it quite clear

in all honesty sweetie...no i did not like school

oh...says one wee little one

so when i don't like something

i can just leave

oh boy...what did i just do

is the thought that ran through my mind

a chuckle came from my side

and then i hear

no buddy...you just can't leave

hey look mama...look at the mountain

ah...thank goodness

this wee little ones thoughts were detoured

will he forget such conversation

believe me

NOT

oh no

no such chance for erasing this wee little memory

and so as our drive slowly came to end

i ever so proud of what one older one was doing

and as for me

i was left shaking my head in shame

whoops...i guess a wee bit to much information this day

if i could teach my wee littles one thing~

2012-01-13T06:37:00.000-08:00

...NEVER say NEVER...

for if you do...you may be in for one heck of a journey

long ago i uttered the word

NEVER

At no time in the past or future;

on no occasion; not ever

Not at all:

i would NEVER

there is NEVER

that would NEVER

i tried many things in my teenage years

that i probably NEVER should have

one day came

and somehow

someway

my love and i had stumbled upon each other once more

in the days that followed were many

NEVERS i would have NEVER just so freely let go

mind you ...these were some good NEVERS

then when i knew quite clear that i had become pregnant

and NEVER didn't quite apply as it once did

i got married

and then divorced

and NEVER became a glimpse of my reality

i became a mama

and NEVER slowly seemed to fade away

i married

this time my love

how it should have been

and NEVER didn't seem to visit much

i became a mama again

and found

there is not such a word in my life

anymore

in between was

pain and sadness

happiness and joy

grief and sorrow

bliss and love

but

if i can teach my little one thing in life

it is to

NEVER say NEVER

it seems all i said my NEVERS about

became apart of my life

apart of my past

i have experienced

almost each NEVER

i vowed to not experience

and i often wonder if i had

NEVER said NEVER

about such

maybe they would not have come to be

we can plan our lives only to a certain extent

somehow someway

then the in between happens

the life we don't expect

the life we are not ready for

the life that was not in our plan

the life we had thought we chose so clearly to not come forth

the life we wish were not present when it arrives

yet we grab that life stuff

and do the best we can during those minutes and moments

we get through those life happenings

maybe clean or maybe with a bit of wounds

wounds that take time to heal

wounds we carry with us for a long time to come

wounds that lie dormant as we think

yet they are there right on the surface ready to tip over

and drip on who ever is nearest

wounds that haunt us when we least anticipate

wounds that will heal

as long you

NEVER say NEVER

we pick ourselves up and continue walking

hopefully learning a lesson or two

i had written this back in october

and was reminded of these words

as i was having a conversation with a friend last night

six girls came home~

2012-01-12T07:39:00.000-08:00

let me back track to a cold rainy day in may 2011

sunday was slowly coming to an end

yet one wee older one was searching away

seeking adds for chickens

keeping a long story short

i will cut to the chase

we hopped in our truck

and off we went

to bring home 6 wee little girls

was this a spur of the moment

oh my goodness

are we really doing this type of thing

it surely was

but that is kind of how my love and i work best

we have learned the more we think about something

the more difficult it becomes

the least we think

the smoother goes

kind of twisted...i know!

we had been wanting to raise chickens for a few years now

and well my dear friends

6 lovely girls joined our family

the moment of truth came

when we arrived home

where were they going to stay

probably should have thought more about that before we brought them home

much work was needed to be done

a make shift home went up for the night

and before long

lani...lila...forest...lilith...foxy and hamburger

were all snugged in for the night

really hard to take a good pic...with the lovely glow fo the red heat light...hehehe

mama...i'm gonna sit here a few more minutes

and sing them a lullaby

i don't want them to be scared

i don't think any of us slept well that night

we wondered and worried if all were alright

morning came and six little girls

were bright eyed and bushy tailed

we opened the hatch and out they came

ever so excited to explore their new home

meet little lani...no laughing at her...we know she is the runt of the family

forest

WAS enjoying a free ranging moment

till i came with camera in hand

lila...no not much bigger than lani...tell me tell me

what do you see

little miss foxy...who still...to this day

prefers to. be. alone.

hamburger...in all her glory...she has quite the wee little tail

always stading so tall and proud

and last but not the least

lilith... who really is ever so sweet

and so this day i shall end our story here

and share more of our

6 little girls adventure

in the days to come

all in a glass of milk~

2012-01-11T06:49:00.000-08:00

“A smile starts on the lips,

A grin spreads to the eyes,

A chuckle comes from the belly;

But a good laugh bursts forth from the soul,

Overflows,

and bubbles all around”

Carolyn Birmingham

one wee voice calls out

...look mama...

these words are a

RED FLAG

for me in our home

as i come around the corner

...one mama takes a deep breath...

{insert one wee little ones name}

COULD.YOU.PLEASE
justdrinkyoumilkbeforeitspiiilllsss

as i walked closer

to check out the situation at hand

i found myself reaching for my camera

such fun this wee little one was having

all in a glass of milk

who would have thought...right

without thinking of what was NOW happening
MILK SPILLING EVEYWHERE
my frustration turned into laughter

i can remember numerous times

having a straw in my glass as a wee little one

listening to the sounds that came when i blew

and trying to see how massive
i could make my bubbles become

and then the fun would come to an end

as i was being told by an adult

do not play with your food

so i went from mama who almost ruined the day

to being
quite captivated
by the wee bit of fun

one wee little one was creating

full moon dancing~

2012-01-10T10:11:00.000-08:00

“There are nights when the wolves are silent

and only the moon howls.”

George Carlin

one clear sky

paving the way

for one january full moon

it was as if she was calling

to each who would lend an ear

her light

gleaming through the window of mine

drew me near

i had almost forgotten that she was here this day

as i was busily hurrying about

though she had not given up

her light kept calling

waiting for me to come out for a visit

there is nothing quite like

stepping out into the dark of night

pearing up

and seeing her all a~glow

~sigh~

and so it was

a piece of quiet time well spent

and blessings at hand

a class was soon to begin

{with all that happened last year...dancing came to an abrupt end

so my love surprised me once more with lessons just for me}

methodical weaving~

2012-01-09T08:40:00.000-08:00

“We all have our own life to pursue,

Our own kind of dream to be weaving

And we all have the power

To make wishes come true,

As long as we keep believing.”

Louisa May Alcott

there are some things in life

that are just worth

taking your time creating

“You see,

when weaving a blanket,

an Indian woman

leaves a flaw in the weaving of that blanket

to let the soul out.”

Martha Graham

ideally

would i

LOVE

have

shop

FILLED FULL

of handmade treasures

yep

but...in doing so

i would be rushing through

missing the enjoyment

of what was really transpiring

through the minutes spent

of my weaving methodically

thread by thread

so with this here blanket

there is no time for it's completion

it is a piece i go to

when in need of a moment

and nothing more

one day...one day

i will share it in all its glory

ordained~

2012-01-06T19:39:00.000-08:00

~ ORDAINED ~

as the last day of 2011's minutes were ticking by

i had the honor of performing a wedding ceremony

a gift i whole heartedly wanted to give

during my time away

one of my thoughts that replayed over and over

was about becoming ordained

first and for most

the seed was planted when i went to a celebration of one's life

and was saddened by the honoring of such

it was then that i thought

maybe i could do this

no...i wanted to do this

such a small gift i could give family and friends
and to those moving on from our place here

time passed...days...weeks...months...almost a year

and then a family member shared

they were going to the justice of peace

on new years eve

i swallowed hard
i remained silent
it drove me crazy

on thanksgiving it was brought up again

and this time i could not keep my mouth closed

"i could become ordained"

i glanced at my love and a smile he gave

i am no professional

not years of schooling behind me

or a decade of preaching or ministering

♥ ♥ ♥

just a belief that i hold in my heart

♥ ♥ ♥

i believe in love

to love and to be loved

there is nothing greater than thee

i am
EMERGING
from the shy quiet side
that has kept me from so much
and stepping out

i am
EMBARKING
on a new adventure
i am in the process of creating a page
for those seeking one who is ORDAINED
for their sacred day

i am
EMBRACING
my love of words
and celebrating them in the most wonderful of ways

2012-01-02T15:33:00.000-08:00

~EMERGE...embark...EMBRACE~

take a deep breath

this is going to be a bit long...winded

somewhat of a hello and goodbye

but don't worry its not a bad thing

simply
a new chapter

i had spent much of 2011

at home

pondering

my days, my thoughts

my wishes, my hopes,

my needs, my dreams

pretty much my life

many days i thought of walking away

from this little place i created some time ago

simply walking away

no goodbyes

just closing it

...then...

i would have days when we as a family

or i were doing something

and the

i can't wait to share feeling

burned ever so strong

and yet...i did nothing

it is

BECAUSE

of each of you

that i have allowed this place to remain

whenever i was ready to call it quits

ironically

one of you would send some inspiring words

a letter or card

and that flame that dully remained

would begin to burn a bit brighter

i have realized and accepted these past months

i can not bring back

what has been lost

but

i can

EMBRACE

what i have at this moment

and so with all this ramble above

what i am trying to get at

what i am trying to say

i feel compelled to share with you

...WHY...

you may ask

why now

well just as a new season has changed

so to have my intentions

i am ready to

EMERGE

from the shadows

the quiet

the stillness

that has been

i have thought of this for a long time

how people can come together
and support someone they
REALLY
do not know

then i think...

{my love thinks i do too much thinking...maybe thats my whole problem...

me needs to stop thinking...hehehe}

but you do know me, for me...just that

you have read my thoughts and seen the world through my eyes

it's just that most have no idea as to
WHOM
the face or name
is behind such

i write today

because i

kind of as a thank you

for all you have gifted me

feel the time has come to move forward

EMBARK

on new journeys
new roads

new paths

which brings me to this

i have struggled
not sharing this part of my life
with my family and friends

when i started
it was a safe haven

anonymous as possible

i wanted a place for me

and no other that directly surrounded me

i enjoyed coming here and sharing in my days
and slowy i shared a bit more here and there

and without realizing what was really happening
so many precious friendship were forming

well you have all brought comfort to my life

you have inspired me from the very beginning

and helped keep me motivated

now my wings are ready for a wee bit more

they are ready to spread a little wider

fly a little freer

and i do hope you will come along

my hello is

~ME~

Faerwillow as you have come to know

hi...hello...how do you do

my name
as some already know is

Brandi

my goodbye is

faerwillow...sigh...the name will be gone

{though you are welcome to call me what you wish}

with all this
leads me to
my intentions i have for 2012

i am ready to
EMERGE
from the shell i have had covering me
EMBARK
on new adventures that have been patiently awaiting
&
EMBRACE
all that will come to be

can you guess what my 3 little words for the year are

to
2012

may it be bright & blessed for each of you

my wish for you~

2011-12-31T05:57:00.000-08:00

all my best to each of you in 2012

i look forward to the road that lies ahead

a reminder to self~

2011-12-30T07:41:00.000-08:00

“Things which matter most

must never be

at the mercy of things which matter least”.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

there is something
eerily beautiful

in a foggy filled world

one of those moments

i was so thankful
to have had my camera in my car

this
haulted me

in silence i stood

thankful for this pause in time

a reminder washed over me

as to what makes my spirit soar

this was the day before the holiday

a day that felt i was surrendering to the "had to do's"

and being swallowed by the so many things left ot be done

when i stopped it kind of put life back in perspective

i didn't HAVE to do anything

i simply WANTED to

but in the big picture

it would not have mattered to anyone but me

if i had finished my list of things i needed to do

and so with this moment

as i stood

many things began falling from my list

and my mind was soothed

with ease

i hope you all had a bright beautiful holiday

filled with endless blessings upon you and yours

one wee older one~

2011-12-13T18:45:00.000-08:00

one wee older one

has officially entered

into the land of blog!

quite excited for his journey ahead

http://imodifynerfs.blogspot.com/

may he travel far and wide

in this endless sea of treasures

do you ever have a moment~

2011-12-01T21:02:00.000-08:00

dec 1

DO YOU EVER HAVE A MOMENT

a moment that just fills you

washes over you

completely unexpected

well tonight

I HAD ONE THOSE MOMENTS

as my littles and i were pulling out each ornament to dress our tree

one by one came memories from the years prior

one by one the ornaments were hung

as i reached in for another

my hand fell up this angel

not just an ornament

not just a gift

but a symbol of friendship

and then the emotions came flooding along

a sweet but sad reminder of each of you here

the friendships that were created

these past few years

sad...meaning i have missed out on so much of your lives this past year

something i can not take back nor bring back

i couldn't help but share this feeling with you

because each and everyday

i do think about here

...about you...

the friendships created

know this holiday season

i am wishing you all

the merriest of merry days to come forth

wishing~

2011-11-11T21:11:00.000-08:00

11.11.11

tonight

we will be

WISHING

11:11:11

...wishes really do come true...

happy wishing

if one was to...~

2011-09-09T16:56:00.000-07:00

if one was to find herself in dallas texas

what would she like to do?

whom could she see?

whom could she visit?

what sights are there for her to see?

where would she like to dine?

where would she like to wander about?

where would she like to sit?

where would she like to have a drink?

where would she find a cup of coffee?

where would she like to shop?

a possiblity has arose

...yet still undecided...

though it could quite well come to be

one husband has to go to dallas

and one wife may be traveling along

i would love some help

from any who could share

a thing or two about

dallas.

TIME~

2011-08-01T08:01:00.000-07:00

TIME

is it something you ever attain in the palm of your hand

in the depths of your soul

in the bottom of your heart inching its way full

we can not see TIME

we can embrace TIME

we can think TIME

we can not stop TIME

and all that happens in between

no pause button

for those moments

we wished would go on and on

lasting

TIME comes and goes

without hesitation

without consideration

towards what we are wanting

we can not change TIME

only learn from minutes

that have passed before us

absorbing those seconds

we wished would have lingered a little longer

TIME ticks

just like the beat of our heart

time will always continue thoughtlessly

ticking its way to a new dawn of day

it was brought to my attention

a few weeks back by a dear sweet friend

that it would soon be

three months that i have been away

TIME

what can i say...those seconds

have kept on ticking its way into days

and i am not quite sure where it has gone

so many of you

a constant that have remained

sending forth your love

THANK YOU

silently blessing or sharing your words

TIME has passed

yet you still drop by

my heart remains full because of you

i have no further answers and still having tests ran

i did take a break for about a month in may

when i thought i was starting to feel better

but

as TIME passed

so did that good healthy feeling

i am sorry for being away

and do plan on returning one day

for now

only TIME will tell

as i do not have that answer

i hope you are all well

and this finds you in only the best of spirits

know that i do think of you all each and every day

sitting on a fence~

2011-04-01T07:46:00.000-07:00

“It doesn't matter

which side of the fence

you get off on sometimes.

What matters most is getting off.

You cannot make progress

without making decisions.”

Jim Rohn

april 1

lately that is what i feel

i have been sitting on a fence

wishing to jump off

to feel my toes in the dewy grass

but alas i keep sitting

frustrating a bit

how not feeling well can change your world

i wake every morning

hoping for that surge of energy

to rush through my veins

wanting badly to jump

and move about just as i did before

we met with the pulmanologist last week

had another cat scan

which found a lymph node

in the center of my chest measuring 2cm

she will be watching it

and rechecking in 6 months, 1 year and then 2 years

making sure it has not grown

i have not allowed my mind

to wander down that path

only positive thoughts i have held

reguarding this finding

yesterday brought the cardiologist appointment who reassured me

the rhuematologist will bring forth the best answers to all of this mess

{which is april 14}

but she still needs to rule out things on her side

so yesterday was a stress test and i was sent home with a heart monitor

that i will keep for a month

each time i have chest pain

i push a little button

and it records what my heart is doing

sounds exciting right!

and then next friday i go in for a "bubble study"

during this fun little experiment

they will be looking to see

if i have a tiny hole in my heart

that never closed at birth

i kind of feel i am on a wild goose chase

but very thankful i guess

that they are checking every possible orfice

that exist within and on me...hehehe

so shall i just stay up on this here little fence

a wee bit more

or try and jump???

only time will tell

still here...still waiting~

2011-03-22T08:06:00.000-07:00

mar 22

absence makes the heart grow fonder

so they say right!

still here

still waiting

yesterday was the pulmonologist

who is now sending me to

a rhuematologist and cardiologist

i have never met so many "ologists" in my life

i wish i could share more

but...we are still seeking answers

and that is about the best i can give at the moment

i hope with springs arrival

only warmth hope and sunshine

have been sprinkled throughout your days

one loves birthday~

2011-03-10T10:04:00.000-08:00

mar 10

today is my l♥ves {husbands} birthday

today will be a day to celebrate

a new year

a new age

a magical number of threes!

mine was celebrated two weeks ago

a day that was filled with much love surrounding me

and a gift i have waited years and years to recieve

a dream i knew one day...one day...i would be able to persue
a new camera came my way!!!

what i look forward to one day
is many many more minutes and moments of capturing memories through the lense of my camera
i know it will be soon
atleast i have great hope for such

for now...we are still waiting
and running back and forth to appointments
no answers yet
still not feeling well at all
but just like all
i know this phase shall pass

so today
i must begin our day
one banana cream pie to be made
a few errands to be ran
a dinner to be cooked
and a birthday to be had

i know i said i would try and catch up
and i promise in time
when i feel more energy athand
i will be buzzing around
saying my hi's and hello's

so for now

i simply thank you again for being here with me
for all of your loving support
and friendship you have sent forth my way

but mainly for telling me
~its ok to be silent in this time~

Dog Days Are Over~

2011-03-02T17:14:00.000-08:00

march 2

MARCH

where did it come from

i feel like i have missed so many days

and well quite frankly i guess i have

the sun came out in between wind and rain today

me...i am still here

finding energy from this voice

this is my anthem

in some respect

my dog days are over

health wise

...soon right....

tomorrow blood draw

hematologist appointment

finally

and then more blood

sounds pretty exciting..no!?!

i will try and visit with all of you

here in the next few days

be well and always brightest blessings

snows gentle reminder~

2011-02-25T06:41:00.000-08:00

feb. 25

just as my mind had been wandering
to spring like days

old man winter decided to stop by for a visit

i sat here yesterday in my cozy little home

littles and i snuggled up on our couch

feeling the warmth of our fireplace

the heat of my young

and i started to wonder if

snow

was what i really needed

see mondays arrival came with a turn in my road

it lead me back to the er

no worries though all is well as well can be

no new clots

but a visit to a pulmonary doctor i will be headed

this little visit alas came with fair warning

that i need to accept what is

and realize how much my life has changed

i was told that pain will be for sometime

and time is what my body needs

for i will not bounce back immediately

slow this process will be

hhhmmm

not sure how much i was liking my doctors words at that moment

i think she could quite clearly see
the frustration that lay within my eyes

she walked slowly over

and placed her hand on my shoulder

and said

its ok and it will be all over one day

but for now

just allow your body to recover and rest

this is a very difficult thing for me

sounds quite easy right

but it is a difficult thing for me to just sit and be

when i want to be up

move around

and feel as if i am actually doing something
to help myself to feel better

to be as i was in the days past

so as of now
i have been working on accepting this news

and trying to listen to my body
and not so much my mind

realizing that just as quickly
as the weather can change
so to can my health

i apologize for my silence

and look forward to one day returning as i was

leaves of light~

2011-02-20T05:44:00.000-08:00

Light gives of itself freely,

filling all available space.

It does not seek anything in return;

it asks not whether you are friend or foe.

It gives of itself and is not thereby diminished.

Michael Strassfeld

feb. 20

~i am moved by light~

when days have been so dark and gray

to have glimpses of light

warming you

shining upon you

fills me so

to see that is not only me

but so many other living things

thriving

growing

flourishing

from this light

a reminder

i am never alone

in my thoughts

emotions

my desire to welcome mr. sun

People are like stained-glass windows.

They sparkle and shine when the sun is out,

but when the darkness sets in

their true beauty is revealed

only if there is light from within.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

to see to the living

emerging beneath the deep dark days

remaining through the bitter cold

changing before our very eyes

a sign of what will be ever so soon

colors filling our days

replacing the baren

We are each gifted

in a unique and important way.

It is our privilege

and our adventure

to discover our own special light.

Mary Dunbar

with a bounty of colors

lushness

scents lingering

bringing forth a sense of the life we crave

during the last lingering days of winter

The windows of my soul

I throw wide open to the sun.

John Greenleaf Whittier

yesterdays walk was nothing short of beauty

and light surrounding us

i tried to soak up the gift that was upon us

and carry it home with me

~may this light be with you this coming week~

beneath the light of the moon~

2011-02-19T05:39:00.000-08:00

May the blessings of light be upon you,

Light without and light within.

And in all your comings and goings,

May you ever have a kindly greeting

From them you meet along the road.

irish blessing

feb. 19

~one thing that will always be~

no matter where you are

no matter what you are doing

she will always come

she will return

waxing and waning

just as our lives do

reguardless of trials or tribulations

joyful or happy moments

she will never cease to rise and fall

she grows stronger day by day

and yet how quickly that time goes

for if you are not looking

before our very eyes

she slowly begins to slips away

she awaits for all to welcome her energy

open you arms

clear your mind

stand beneath the light of the moon

in my eyes she is not just for some

she is for each and everyone

when you were little

reguardless of faith or beliefs

i am sure at one point you looked up at her

a child

eyes full of wonder

you released your wishes hopes and dreams

giving all to this amazing sight you saw

to me

today is no different

you have grown a bit taller

possibly created a life that you wished for long ago

but she has never changed

she remains

just as she was those years long ago

filling our nights

with the most delicate yet powerful light

she is there

renewing our spirits

revitalizing our soul

by absorbing her light

soaking up her powers

we become anew

is there not any thing more enchantingly beautiful

than this here piece of magic that lies within our sky

how something right before our eyes

can grow ever so full

and then slowly slip away

sigh

did you see her last night

~did you stand beneath the light of the moon~

the wind will forever blow~

2011-02-17T11:25:00.000-08:00

you are more than welcome to skip over this
that is written in italics

a very long post ahead...just a fair warning!!!

many have asked and seeked more indepth about what happened

and many of you have sent forth an abundance of love and light

kindly replying at the end that i need not reply
for that i thank you greatly

so i thought if one doesn't mind
i would share a bit more here

yes my strength day by day is returning

but tired i still get

and pain i still have

that saturday i made my way to the e.r.

sitting in the passanger seat

looking at my love

and in the mirror seeing thee eyes of my littles

tears falling from my eyes

feeling as if this would be the last time i would see their beautiful faces

trying to grasp every breath i could take

deep i kept saying to myself

one more one more

my sister met us half way and i said to my littles

no worries

i will be home soon

i love you much and always

as we drove away

i looked back once more

seeing the eyes of my oldest looking in wonder

my love dropped me off at the front door of the er

i walked in

within mere minutes

i was taken quickly back to a room

and nurses where flying around me

sticking and poking me with all sorts of fun stuff

the doctor arrived

and i begged him for help

told him my chest felt as if it was being crushed

holding my throat and saying i was having a very hard time breathing

it felt as if my airway was being cut off

and my chest and back hurt with a constant pain

and my left side is numb and tingling

he looked at my love and asked if i was stressed

my love gave a chuckle and said sure she is stressed just like all of us

i begged the doctor to help me and asked if it could be a possible food allergy attack

anything...and asked him if he could give me benydryl or something...
i don't know what is happening

but i can hardly breath

he looked at my love and i
and said well we could do a lung x ray

but its probably not going to show anything

my love said just do something

a nurse arrived with some medicine
and minutes later i was taken back for the x ray

only moments later from returning back to my little space in the er

the doctor walked through the curtain

looking at me with the most puzzled look

he said your lungs are filled with blood clots
i began to cry

you are being admitted to icu now

the words fatal death died had come out of the mouth of him

and the nurses who were caring for me

and escorting me to my room
i would be staying in for an unknown amount of time

i was trying to stay calm

trying to ask questions

each person that came in to see me

looked at me in the same crazy way

so to sum up a very long story

the nuero believes two years ago after my gallbladder surgery

i had a blood clot and possibly a stroke

over the last two years
they have continuedto fill my lungs with their presence

and saturday i had another stroke

the unknown is why
now with my blood tests coming back with positives

is this a blood clot disorder
or something that has just gone undiagnosed for this long

building and building and finally coming to a breaking point

i am still waiting to here from the hematologist for an appointment

my doctor will be repeating a blood draw in one month as well

so for any reassurance i am alive
and as well as well can be

the warfrin keeps me from having any new clots forming

so a bit of peace of mind right

once more
each of you
a gift in my life
and my familys

i have been overflowing with only goodness pouring out from you all

feb 17

saturday we went for a walk

big deal some might be thinking

but when you have been held up

not allowed much physical activity

it is a big deal

when your whole being craves this

yet can not attain it

frustrating

for me to finally be outdoors

breathing deeply

filling my lungs with fresh crisp air

was absolutely wonderful

each step was a wee bit slower

more cautious

aware

yet i was walking

being present in the very moment

tuning in to all that surrounded me

reminding me

how truly thankful one should be

for our gift of life and living

for being able to step out

look a little deeper

explore the unknown

discover wondrous bits waiting to be seen

thankful
for life overflowing around me
abounding

when i walked through the trees

i heard their whispers

felt their strength

i knew i was far from alone

and healed i would be

i realized my journey here was a far cry from over

many miles i still have yet to travel

this walk was my answer

my hope returning

my faith restored

that i can continue on

no mattter what lie ahead

pieces that await
blocking the path

one can move such

and continue to carry on

the wind will forever blow

the leaves will dance gaily
swirling and tumbling
gently down

though fallen

tis not their end

they are picked back up

as a gently breeze comes back through

and their dance begins again

faerwillow

doodling away~

2011-02-16T06:17:00.000-08:00

“I am enough of an artist

to draw freely upon my imagination

Imagination is more important than knowledge

Knowledge is limited

Imagination encircles the world.”

Albert Einstein

feb. 16

a few pieces from the past

i have found that i enjoy

the simplicity of sketching

more than i do adding color

this is something

i always did when i was younger

sketch

draw

doodle

it was always done with a pencil or ink

never color

i try to dapple in color

but often i am left with a disappointed feeling

a thought as to i should have just left it alone

and you know what i have come to accept

if i want color

than color it will be

but otherwise it will be just me

and a pencil or pen at hand

and really

its ok with me

becaues all n all

i am setting my imagination free

ps...sorry for the dark images...my lovely camera has a visitor that has traveled along and made its way into the lense...

a tinsy piece of something now has caused for a dark spot in my pictures!

price to get it removed is half the price of my camera...gggrrr...

hopefully this little visitor will not stay around to long.

words to ponder~

2011-02-15T05:21:00.000-08:00

feb. 15

"The glory of friendship

is not the outstretched hand,

nor the kindly smile,

nor the joy of companionship;

it is the spiritual inspiration

that comes to one

when you discover that

someone else believes in you

and is willing to trust you

with a friendship."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

carrying on~

2011-02-12T04:12:00.000-08:00

“I've learned that people
will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget
how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou

feb. 12

good morning

its funny cause i am really not quite sure where these days have gone
i was speaking with my mil last night and she ask how my love was doing
i started laughing and told her

"i think he is doing alright, to be honest i don't really remember these past evenings since i came home except for last night and the night before. i see him in the morning for a quick minute before he leaves and well he seems alright...he has been coming back home...so thats a good sign and i have yet to find a dear john letter...so hopefully he is managing...today i spoke with him at lunch and he was all excited about buying mouse traps for work...so ya i think he is doing ok...

i have tried to sit here
and write a few times

but just didn't have it in me

my days have yet to slow

i am forever grateful
for those in my life who have been my taxi
and watchers over our littles

i am honestly beyond words
each one of you
i carry in my heart
i hear your whispers of strength
and feel the love you send forth
your blessings and well wishes
comments emails cards sent forth
have helped keep me going each day
once more
i give you my heartfelt thank yous
my appreciation
my gratitude
for having such
uniquely beautiful caring friends
in my life
i really couldn't ask for more

i am regaining a bit of my stregth

with each rising sun

one could only imagnine
the road traveled down

i have had appointments back to back

blood draws daily
shots for the last twelve days in my tummy
trying to get my warfrin levels where they should be
as of last night...my levels are up!!! hopefully no more shots!!!

and

pills pills pills

what a way to live

just joking
yesterday morning was the first day off pain meds
and trying a different medicine to treat my pain

i met with

"my team"

kind of funny when they told me
i will have
"my own team"
who will

monitor my blood levels
and work with me

let me tell ya i really felt special then...hehehe

its been a long string of days

and tuesday was another trip back to the e.r.
due to pain in my chest and spine

good news

they did another cat scan of my lungs
some of my clots
have already left my lungs
so there is hope!!!

the other day was my neurologist appointment

she explained at the hospital

there are only five reasons
one would get a blood clots

pregnancy
check...but anout five and a half years ago

post surgery

check...about two years ago

stroke

check...after surgery...diagnosed as a possible tia

blood clot disorder

check...there are some finding that put me at a higher risk

m.s.

possible due to where we live
she also checked me for having epilepsy...though completely unrelated to the ones our wee littlest has

we have been anxious

to know the
why

as to all of this happening

NOT SO GOOD NEWS

as we spoke wit the nuerologist
i was hopeful
as what she was saying
was nothing alarming or frightful

well i guess
she believes in saving the the best for last

three of my blood tests came back positive for

lupus

because of the fragmin shot
i am still taking to get my blood levels up
it can cause false positives
even for lupus
so i am now waiting to hear from a hematologist
and he will do another work up of my blood
and check for what autoimmune disorder it is
that made my ana come back positive

relieved i finally may be on the right path
as far as my health is concerned
possibly all this unknown whys coming to an end
and being able to move forward
living and caring for myself
in the best possible way

i am ok
i think mainly because of the pain meds
kind of numbed my emotions a bit i think

so where ever this little bump in the road will lead
i shall follow just as i was before
i will continue to live my life
and take each day as it comes

once more
i thank you

each of you
a gift above and beyond
i ever imagined
having such

loving spirits to walk this path with me

life truly is grand

how life can change~

2011-02-02T05:19:00.000-08:00

feb. 2

this morning i sit here

trying to type and share with you all

my saturday morning

took a unexpected turn in my road

i started feeling faint

tingling on my left side

sick to my stomch

after trying to shake it off for awhile

i had my husband take me into the er

long story short

all my pain for the last few years

the problem was found

pulmonary embolism

or otherwise known as blood clots

after hours of tests

they finally did a lung and throat cat scan

and it showed both my lungs

have blood clots lining the outer parts

so here i am after a four day adventure and stay

my life and how i once lived

will and has all been changed

i will be on blood thinners for the first six months

and then retested to see if this it is short term

or a life long event for me

i am sorry this is short

but very tired my friends

just thought i would share

as many have asked if i was ok

i thank you all

for your kindness support and blessings

and apologize i will not be around

to visit quite yet

as i once did before

as time i need to get back to feeling myself

~i wish you all a wonderful day ahead~

The Butterfly Project~

2011-01-29T04:30:00.000-08:00

once more

this here little land

had carried me on a far away adventure

where i stumbled on over

to the beautifully creative

IMGirl

tears

i say

i was moved deeply yesterday morning

and without much thought

i ran to the table

and knew exactly what we would be doing

The Butterfly Project mandate is to remember the 1,500,000 innocent children who perished as a result of the Holocaust by collecting 1.5 million handmade butterflies.

In Spring 2013,

these butterflies will then become

a break-taking exhibition to serve

as a memory of this event.

Can you imagine?

1.5 million children

translated into 1.5 million butterflies....?

If you wondering why a butterfly,

the project is based on this poem -

~I Never Saw Another Butterfly~

The last, the very last,

So richly, brightly, dazzlingly yellow

Perhaps if the sun’s tears would sing

against a white stone....

Such, such a yellow

Is carried lightly ’way up high.

It went away I’m sure

because it wished

to kiss the world good-bye.

For seven weeks I’ve lived in here

Penned up inside this ghetto.

But I have found what I love here.

The dandelions call to me

And the white chestnut branches in the court.

Only I never saw another butterfly.

That butterfly was the last one.

Butterflies don’t live in here, in the ghetto.

Written by Pavel Friedman, June 4, 1942

Born in Prague on Jan. 7, 1921.

Deported to the Terezin Concentration Camp on April 26, 1942.

Died in Aushchwitz on Sept. 29, 1944.

This is a quote from

Two Dresses Studio:

"After a brief moment, I decided, I have to send a butterfly. Then I thought of how I'd love to send a lot of butterflies. Then I thought of the great group of artist friends here ! Who doesn't love a butterfly? And who wouldn't be touched by this poem and this tragedy and want to contribute to this meaningful and lasting exhibit and tribute? And wouldn't it be rewarding to encourage as many people as I could to play along with me???"

Be the change you want to see in the world. Like the delicate beautiful butterfly, spread your wings and fly to make a difference. See the how to at www.twodressesstudio.com and get your butterfly to her so she can photograph your artwork and send all the butterflies on to the museum in February. The next photos will be taken February 11th.

Check it out,

Pass it on,

~Spread your wings and FLY~

is this not

one amazing project

to be apart of

one mamas butterfly

so on this day

allow these words to fill your spirit

one wee older littles butterfly

the poem of this here man

one wee littlests butterfly

and feel your inspiration wishing to explore

today let your creative mind free

ten years from this day~

2011-01-28T03:20:00.000-08:00

“When it comes to the future,

there are three kinds of people:

those who let it happen,

those who make it happen,

and those who wonder what happened.”

John M. Richardson, Jr.

jan. 28

do you ever wonder

where you will be ten years from this day

when i think back ten years ago

where i was

and where i am now

it is nothing like what i thought it would be

not in a bad way

just so far different than imagined

and maybe i never really thought much about it then

life was more like suriving

than making things come to be

living each day

and doing the very best that i could

but now

ten years later

it is

stepping out

learning

accepting

acknowledging

moving forward

cultivating

manifesting my wishes

creating my dreams

our dreams

i do think often of ten years from this day

for my husband and i

we are young

still in the early years of our life

our children have been born

and are feverishly growing and thriving

but one day

one day

they will leave our nest

and where does that leave us

if we do not think now

if we wait

let the days continue to move forward

and we remain the same

i have feared that

and i chose not to follow such

everyday

i wake

i think

i ponder

i write

i discover

a new stepping stone

that will guide us along the way

i shared with our oldest the other day

that in only a mere eight years away

he will be twenty

"eight years" you say

is still so much time

but i have

seen

felt

experienced

how quickly it does pass

he will stand before us

at the ripe young age we were

when we found out

he was being slowly brought to life

kind of scary right

eight years

i though

i pray

not so much

that he could be a father himself

in such a short time

i kind of shudder at the thought

yet also think of the life

of my husband and i

we grew up quite fast

missed out on some wild years

yet how young we will still be

when ours are ready to leave

a whole life

still waiting for us

waiting for what we will be

in our days ahead

so in the midst of this ramble

my thoughts are of these

i look forward to the coming years

sitting

and

knowing

i have become

only what i wished myself to be

not one of looking back

feeling as if i missed the adventure

but of fullness

richly blessed with each day i took

to create the world in which i am living

what about you

~do you ever wonder

in ten years

where you will be~

january skies~

2011-01-27T04:33:00.000-08:00

"Winter,

a lingering season,

is a time to gather golden moments,

embark upon a sentimental journey,

and enjoy every idle hour."

John Boswell

Jan. 27

i know

its probably not too nice of me

to share these

with some of you

as many of you

are recieving a plethera

of white little flakes falling from your sky

but here

where i am

it has been nothing short

of rain drops falling

gray and cloudy days

so when one sits in the wee earling morning hours

and sees her sky turn a brilliant shade of pink

what else is she to do

isn't amazing

that no matter where you are

or whatever you are doing

when the sky lights up

you stop

you pause

to see what it will bring

though thee air is still cool and crisp

i am quickly brought back

to those memories of long summer nights

i am renewed

filled with a bit of hope

knowing not too long

that warmth will be once more

so from my little home to yours

may your day

where ever you are

be filled with only

warmth and love