snows gentle reminder~

feb. 25

just as my mind had been wandering
 to spring like days

old man winter decided to stop by for a visit



i sat here yesterday in my cozy little home

littles and i snuggled up on our couch

feeling the warmth of our fireplace

the heat of my young

and i started to wonder if

 snow

was what i really needed

see mondays arrival came with a turn in my road

it lead me back to the er

no worries though all is well as well can be

no new clots

 but a visit to a pulmonary doctor i will be headed

this little visit alas came with fair warning

that i need to accept what is

and realize how much my life has changed

i was told that pain will be for sometime

and time is what my body needs

for i will not bounce back immediately

slow this process will be

hhhmmm

not sure how much i was liking my doctors words at that moment

i think she could quite clearly see
 the frustration that lay within my eyes

she walked slowly over

and placed her hand on my shoulder

and said

its ok and it will be all over one day

but for now

just allow your body to recover and rest

this is a very difficult thing for me

sounds quite easy right

but it is a difficult thing for me to just sit and be

when i want to be up

move around

and feel as if i am actually doing something
 to help myself to feel better

to be as i was in the days past

so as of now
i have been working on accepting this news

and trying to listen to my body
and not so much my mind

realizing that just as quickly
as the weather can change
so to can my health

i apologize for my silence

and look forward to one day returning as i was

 

 

 

leaves of light~

Light gives of itself freely,

filling all available space.

 It does not seek anything in return;

 it asks not whether you are friend or foe.

It gives of itself and is not thereby diminished.

Michael Strassfeld

feb. 20

~i am moved by light~

when days have been so dark and gray

to have glimpses of light

warming you

 shining upon you

fills me so

to see that is not only me

but so many other living things

thriving

growing

flourishing

 from this light

a reminder

 i am never alone

in my thoughts

emotions

 my desire to welcome mr. sun

People are like stained-glass windows.

 They sparkle and shine when the sun is out,

but when the darkness sets in

 their true beauty is revealed

 only if there is light from within.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

to see to the living

emerging beneath the deep dark days

remaining through the bitter cold

changing before our very eyes



a sign of what will be ever so soon

colors filling our days

replacing the baren

We are each gifted

in a unique and important way.

It is our privilege

 and our adventure

 to discover our own special light.

Mary Dunbar

with a bounty of colors

lushness

scents lingering

bringing forth a sense of the life we crave

during the last lingering days of winter

The windows of my soul

 I throw wide open to the sun.

John Greenleaf Whittier



yesterdays walk was nothing short of beauty

 and light surrounding us

i tried to soak up the gift that was upon us

and carry it home with me

 

 

~may this light be with you this coming week~

 

 

 

 

 

beneath the light of the moon~

May the blessings of light be upon you,

Light without and light within.

And in all your comings and goings,

May you ever have a kindly greeting

From them you meet along the road.

irish blessing



feb. 19

~one thing that will always be~



no matter where you are

no matter what you are doing

she will always come

she will return

waxing and waning

just as our lives do

reguardless of trials or tribulations

joyful or happy moments

she will never cease to rise and fall

she grows stronger day by day

and yet how quickly that time goes

for if you are not looking

before our very eyes

she slowly begins to slips away

she awaits for all to welcome her energy

open you arms

clear your mind

stand beneath the light of the moon

in my eyes she is not just for some

she is for each and everyone

when you were little

reguardless of faith or beliefs

i am sure at one point you looked up at her

a child

eyes full of wonder

you released your wishes hopes and dreams

giving all to this amazing sight you saw

 to me

today is no different

you have grown a bit taller

possibly created a life that you wished for long ago

but she has never changed

she remains

just as she was those years long ago

filling our nights

with the most delicate yet powerful light

she is there

renewing our spirits

revitalizing our soul

by absorbing her light

soaking up her powers

we become anew

is there not any thing more enchantingly beautiful

than this here piece of magic that lies within our sky

how something right before our eyes

 can grow ever so full

and then slowly slip away

sigh

did you see her last night

~did you stand beneath the light of the moon~

the wind will forever blow~

you are more than welcome to skip over this
that is written in italics

a very long post ahead...just a fair warning!!!

many have asked and seeked more indepth about what happened

and many of you have sent forth an abundance of love and light

kindly replying at the end that i need not reply
for that i thank you greatly

so i thought if one doesn't mind
 i would share a bit more here

yes my strength day by day is returning

but tired i still get

and pain i still have

that saturday i made my way to the e.r.

sitting in the passanger seat

looking at my love

and in the mirror seeing thee eyes of my littles

tears falling from my eyes

feeling as if this would be the last time i would see their beautiful faces

trying to grasp every breath i could take

deep i kept saying to myself

one more one more

my sister met us half way and i said to my littles

no worries

i will be home soon

i love you much and always

ok

as we drove away

i looked back once more

seeing the eyes of my oldest looking in wonder

my love dropped me off at the front door of the er

 i walked in

within mere minutes

i was taken quickly back to a room

and nurses where flying around me

sticking and poking me with all sorts of fun stuff

the doctor arrived

and i begged him for help

told him my chest felt as if it was being crushed

holding my throat and saying i was having a very hard time breathing

it felt as if my airway was being cut off

and my chest and back hurt with a constant  pain

and my left side is numb and tingling

he looked at my love and asked if i was stressed

my love gave a chuckle and said sure she is stressed just like all of us

i begged the doctor to help me and asked if it could  be a possible food allergy attack

anything...and asked him if he could give me benydryl or something...
i don't know what is happening

but i can hardly breath

he looked at my love and i
and said well we could do a lung x ray

but its probably not going to show anything

my love said just do something

a nurse arrived with some medicine
 and minutes later i was taken back for the x ray

only moments later from returning back to my little space in the er

the doctor walked through the curtain

looking at me with the most puzzled look

he said your lungs are filled with blood clots
i began to cry

you are being admitted to icu now

the words fatal death died had come out of the mouth of him

 and the nurses who were caring for me

 and escorting me to my room
 i would be staying in for an unknown amount of time

i was trying to stay calm

trying to ask questions

 each person that came in to see me

looked at me in the same crazy way

so to sum up a very long story

the nuero believes two years ago after my gallbladder surgery

i had a blood clot and possibly a stroke

over the last two years
they have continuedto fill my lungs with their presence

and saturday i had another stroke

the unknown is why
now with my blood tests coming back with positives

is this a blood clot disorder
 or something that has just gone undiagnosed for this long

building and building and finally coming to a breaking point

i am still waiting to here from the hematologist for an appointment

my doctor will be repeating a blood draw in one month as well

so for any reassurance i am alive
 and as well as well can be

the warfrin keeps me from having any new clots forming

so a bit of peace of mind right

once more
each of you
a gift in my life
and my familys

i have been overflowing with only goodness pouring out from you all


 

feb 17

saturday we went for a walk

big deal some might be thinking

but when you have been held up

not allowed much physical activity

it is a big deal

when your whole being craves this

yet can not attain it

frustrating

for me to finally be outdoors

breathing deeply

filling my lungs with fresh crisp air

was absolutely wonderful



each step was a wee bit slower

more cautious

aware

yet i was walking

being present in the very moment

tuning in to all that surrounded me

reminding me

how truly thankful one should be

for our gift of life and living

for being able to step out

 look a little deeper

explore the unknown

discover wondrous bits waiting to be seen

thankful
for life overflowing around me
 abounding

when i walked through the trees

i heard their whispers

felt their strength

i knew i was far from alone

and healed i would be

i realized my journey here was a far cry from over

many miles i still have yet to travel

this walk was my answer

my hope returning

my faith restored

that i can continue on

no mattter what lie ahead

pieces that await
 blocking the path

one can move such

and continue to carry on

the wind will forever blow

the leaves will dance gaily
swirling and tumbling
 gently down

though fallen

tis not their end

they are picked back up

as a gently breeze comes back through

and their dance begins again

faerwillow

doodling away~

“I am enough of an artist

 to draw freely upon my imagination

Imagination is more important than knowledge

Knowledge is limited

 Imagination encircles the world.”

Albert Einstein

feb. 16

a few pieces from the past

i have found that i enjoy

the simplicity of sketching

more than i do adding color

this is something

 i always did when i was younger

sketch

draw

doodle

it was always done with a pencil or ink

never color

i try to dapple in color

but often i am left with a disappointed feeling

a thought as to i should have just left it alone

and you know what i have come to accept

if i want color

than color it will be

but otherwise it will be just me

 and a pencil or pen at hand

and really

 its ok with me 

becaues all n all

i am setting my imagination free

ps...sorry for the dark images...my lovely camera has a visitor that has traveled along and made its way into the lense...

a tinsy piece of something now has caused for a dark spot in my pictures!

 price to get it removed is half the price of my camera...gggrrr...

hopefully this little visitor will not stay around to long.



words to ponder~

feb. 15



"The glory of friendship

is not the outstretched hand,

 nor the kindly smile,

 nor the joy of companionship;

 it is the spiritual inspiration

 that comes to one

 when you discover that

 someone else believes in you

and is willing to trust you

 with a friendship."

Ralph Waldo Emerson



carrying on~

“I've learned that people
will forget what you said,
 people will forget what you did,
 but people will never forget
 how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou 

 

feb. 12

 

good morning

its funny cause i am really not quite sure where these days have gone
i was speaking with my mil last night and she ask how my love was doing
i started laughing and told her

"i think he is doing alright, to be honest i don't really remember these past evenings since i came home except for last night and the night before. i see him in the morning for a quick minute before he leaves and well he seems alright...he has been coming back home...so thats a good sign and i have yet to find a dear john letter...so hopefully he is managing...today i spoke with him at lunch and he was all excited about buying mouse traps for work...so ya i think he is doing ok...

i have tried to sit here
and write a few times

 but just didn't have it in me

my days have yet to slow

i am forever grateful
for those in my life who have been my taxi
and watchers over our littles

i am honestly beyond words
each one of you
i carry in my heart
i hear your whispers of strength
and feel the love you send forth
your blessings and well wishes
comments emails cards sent forth
have helped keep me going each day
once more
i give you my heartfelt thank yous
my appreciation
my gratitude
for having such
 uniquely beautiful caring friends
in my life
i really couldn't ask for more

i am regaining a bit of my stregth

with each rising sun

one could only imagnine
 the road traveled down

i have had appointments back to back

blood draws daily
shots for the last twelve days in my tummy
trying to get my warfrin levels where they should be
as of last night...my levels are up!!! hopefully no more shots!!!

and

pills pills pills

what a way to live

just joking
yesterday morning was the first day off pain meds
and trying a different medicine to treat my pain

 i met with

"my team"

kind of funny when they told me
 i will have
 "my own team"
who will

monitor my blood levels
 and work with me

let me tell ya i really felt special then...hehehe

its been a long string of days

and tuesday was another trip back to the e.r.
due to pain in my chest and spine

good news

they did another cat scan of my lungs
some of my clots
have already left my lungs
so there is hope!!!


the other day was my neurologist appointment

she explained at the hospital 

 there are only five reasons
 one would get a blood clots

pregnancy
check...but anout five and a half years ago

post surgery

check...about two years ago

stroke

check...after surgery...diagnosed as a possible tia

blood clot disorder

check...there are some finding that put me at a higher risk

m.s.

possible due to where we live
she also checked me for having epilepsy...though completely unrelated to the ones our wee littlest has

we have been anxious

to know the
why

as to all of this happening

NOT SO GOOD NEWS

as we spoke wit the nuerologist
i was hopeful
as what she was saying
 was nothing alarming or frightful

well i guess
she believes in saving the the best for last

three of my blood tests came back positive for

lupus

because of the fragmin shot
i am still taking to get my blood levels up
it can cause false positives
even for lupus
so i am now waiting to hear from a hematologist
and he will do another work up of my blood
and check for what autoimmune disorder it is
that made my ana come back positive

relieved i finally may be on the right path
as far as my health is concerned
possibly all this unknown whys coming to an end
and being able to move forward
living and caring for myself
 in the best possible way

i am ok
i think mainly because of the pain meds
kind of numbed my emotions a bit i think

so where ever this little bump in the road will lead
i shall follow just as i was before
i will continue to live my life
and take each day as it comes

once more
i thank you

each of you
 a gift above and beyond
 i ever imagined
having such 

 loving spirits to walk this path with me

life truly is grand